Under My Control
by OpenDoorLeia
Summary: This is the story of the biological CPU known as Germaine. She is thrust into a world of horror and pain, a world empty of kind embrace. She trudges onward alone, to the far away point of her death.
1. Never See the Sun Again

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine, came from my head and thus they belong to me.

Happy reading~

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**Under My Control**

There are black towers stretching up everywhere. The people are walking, with no place to go. They are all drones; with blood stuffed down their throats.

There is turbulence, nothing but refined metal, and shadow.

I am a by-product of this tyrannical junction world. I am nothing but a tool of the industry. The drones don't know because knowledge would corrupt this false paradise. I don't want it to fall.

But you know, if they knew...that when you tear open the sky you'll see the diamond sky then my skull will collapse in on itself.

It's always been this way you know, this vague way of describing my world, but I think the less you know about this repugnant paradise then the more room there is for you to fill in the blanks, with your own horrors.

You have to kill your own demons first; you can't just let them keep on living. Eventually, you're going to have to tear out the spines of your enemies. The only way to live in this world is for you to become a monster.

"Take this gun," He said to me. His hands were dark and covered in filth. His palms were sweaty and his mouth was dry. I knew that this man was one of the chosen.

I took the gun without question, but as if he knew of my hesitance, he said to me, "You'll need it for when you break out of your seclusion world"

And then he walked away, back through the twisted sea of metal, he staggerd towards the spires of machinery, and the next time I saw him he was dead.

**PART ONE START**

*A Machine under the Earth.*

_I was running, breath hot on my lips. My lungs ached and my feet slammed hard against the floor as I ran furiously. I had only one thing on my mind - escape._

_You know...it's been ages since I've seen the sky. I can't even remember what it looks like. It's true. I've been locked in this facility for so long...I can't even remember what the sun looks like. I turned another corner down the long, gray halls that stretched out endlessly before me. I passed many gray doors as I ran, all of them were labeled. I was looking for the exit door, I knew it was out there somewhere and I was determined to reach it. I could hear footsteps and shouting gathering behind me. They were chasing after me. I wondered if they would kill me this time. I had been trying to escape this facility for months now. Every time I managed to get away from the doctors, they always ended up catching me before I could reach the exit. I'm surprised they didn't just put me down since I must have been way more trouble than I'm worth. A turn, down another hall. My body is beginning to tire and the voice of my pursuers is growing ever louder behind me. Even though it looks like hope is running out, I'm not gonna give up, I've gone too far to just give up now._

_It was then that I saw it; I almost couldn't believe what my eyes were showing me at first. But it was real. I could see the exit door at the end of the hall. I urged my weary body to move faster, at least for this very last stretch; my lungs were burning at this point and my legs weighed heavily as I dashed forward._

_[I'm almost there!]_

_I was filled with delight. I had accomplished my goal, I had almost reached the end, I could finally escape and be free the exit door was nearly a few yards before me; I could almost feel the wind on my skin._

_[I'm going to see the sky again!]_

_...I was so caught up in my drive for escape that I didn't even see the soldier step in front of the exit door before it was too late. They grabbed me and as they tore me away from my freedom. As the exit door became nothing more than a miniscule speck in the darkness I realized I would never see the sky again._ Arguru...

**Chapter 1.**

Never see the sun again.

I just need a starting line...

A blast of fresh, salty, sea-air blew into my face as I opened the door; and I loved it. I was on a ship at sea, a military earth forces ship to be specific but that's not important right now. I was just happy to see the sky. Back in those days, in the facility, I never thought I'd see the sky now do I realize how idiotic that kind of thinking was. I mean, they were bound to let me out eventually...I just had to wait.

I began to walk on the side-deck of the ship, my sketch book held securley in my arms. The real reason I came out here was to find something to draw, but there isn't really anything floating out in the middle of the ocean that's worth drawing; just wide open sea in all four directions. I could possibly try drawing one of the many other battle ships accompanying us but I was never good at drawing vehicles.

Then I saw something in my path. There was a boy sitting on a lawn chair in the middle of my way. He was absorbed in his book, as usual, and sat basking in the warm sun that was shining down on the deck.

I walked up to him and he ignored me, pretending I wasn't there.

"Whatcha doin' Orga?" I asked him.

He side glanced me before returning his gaze to his book, "What's it look like? I'm reading."

"Oh!" I said completely ignoring his predictable reaction and sat down on his chair, in a place where there was just enough room.

We sat there in silence for a bit, neither one of us saying anything. I think Orga was continuing to read, or maybe he was waiting for me to start up a conversation. However, I was too caught up in the wonderful weather to think about talking. Orga had the right idea, coming out here to sit. The sun was shining from just the right point to be hitting the entire side-deck of the ship; it was warming my entire body, it felt especially nice on my deep black hair which flowed out behind me.

"So...where are Shani and Clotho?" Orga asked eventually. I figured it was only a matter of time before he thought of something to bring up.

"Ahh, I dunno. Sitting inside the ship some place, they're stupid though, they should be out here enjoying the weather" I said carelessly, casting my gaze out to the sea, which was unfortunately being blocked by a big burly E.A. ship travelling beside us.

Orga responded with a soft chuckle.

"It's nice being out here though..." I went on, my voice sounded soft and distant. I was beginning to zone out. Happens to me sometimes, it happens to everyone really.

"Looking for something to draw?" He asked, eyeing the sketch pad which was lying across my lap.

"Oh. Yeah," I gave a small laugh, "There's not really much to draw out here anyway though..."

He smirked, "You can sit out here if you want to then." He leant back in his chair and continued to read on. In all honesty I have no clue how many times he's read that book.

So then...after that, we continued to sit there in silence and watched the waves roll by. I knew it would only be a matter of time before we reached our destination. I knew I only had a limited amount of leisure time until I would be sent out to battle. Not long now at all.

Because that's what I was, after all. I was just a tool used for fighting. As long as victory is the final result, then why not do whatever it takes to reach that result, even if it means taking an ordinary person and turning them into a living weapon.

I can remember those days well, even though now it doesn't seem like I had very many of them, days when I was just an ordinary girl living and ordinary life. I miss those days because I know I'll never get to see them again. After all, when this war is over (if I survive that is) I'll just be scrapped along with my mobile suit. I am supposed to be one with my machine after all. I have no future.

I'm caught up in this massive war, between two great factions. The opposing side is a genetically enhanced group of people known as 'Coordinators'. They're supposed to be all intelligent and over-exceeding beings. They are, in short, superior humans. They live up in space in these giant hour-glass shaped things called P.L.A.N.T.S. I don't know too much about how those things work, or how they manage to live in them. I've never actually seen the inside of a P.L.A.N.T, it's apparently awesome though. So this side of the war formed an army known as Z.A.F.T., which stands for Zodiac Alliance of Freedom, or something like that. I don't really care enough to know what it stands for.

And then there's the side that I'm fighting for, the Earth Alliance Forces or O.M.N.I.

Our side wants to wipe out all Coordinators because they are genetic freaks and we are unable to co-exist with them; or some stupid reason like that. This whole war started when a nuke was fired into one of the P.L.A.N.T.S and killed thousands upon thousands of people. It's been non-stop fighting ever since.

I'm not really one to take sides. I don't really give two shits for this war one way or the other. But I think things would be so much simpler if we could all just forget the past, throw away our differences and get along. That sounds really fruity, doesn't it? But maybe if both sides had given up fighting in the end...then I wouldn't have turned out this way. I wouldn't have become a human machine.

Well that's enough of the back story for you. Time to get back to the present. After a little while, we were close to reaching our destination; Orb. Orb is a neutral nation of earth that the Earth Alliance has decided to invade because Orb won't choose sides. Our side is really just invading their country so we can get their Mass Driver and send more troops up into space.

They had us shut in some little room because they wanted us all in one place since the fighting was gonna start soon. Orga, Shani and Clotho were there doing their little trademark activates. Clotho, with his loud and annoying game, Shani; sleeping, with his loud and annoying music, and Orga with his book.

I was drawing. I feel like I'm in a whole other world when I get caught up in drawing a picture, especially if it looks nice. It helps me get all of my emotions out, all of my pent up anxiety and hatred. I'm good with drawing people, specifically eyes. I can get into real detail and my sketches have a dark edge to them that I really like. I was drawing a girl. She had long bangs that stopped above her nose, but covered her eyes completely. She had thick, full lips and her cheeks were spotted with freckles. She was staring at her hand which started as human flesh but broke out into the arm of a machine. It looked awesome and really represents how I feel about being a living weapon. It's not a nice feeling let me tell you.

Shani gave a sudden grunt in his sleep which was ignored by the other two, but I was feeling bored so I decided to annoy him. I was getting writer's cramp too, from drawing that picture for so long. So, I got up, set my sketch book on the table and walked over to where Shani was sleeping like a sloth on the only couch in the room. That's right guys; I had been sitting on the floor drawing my machine-hand girl picture. Since Clotho had to be a dick and steal the only free chair.

"Leave him alone," Orga grunted as I approached Shani. Orga knew full-well that I was going to do something annoying and unnecessary to this sleeping boy.

I totally ignored what Orga had said to me and I leant over Shani's face. I thought about giving him a wet-willie or something but that wouldn't work considering his earphones and all. So I took my thumb and my index finger and plugged his nose shut.

All was quiet for a few seconds, Orga and Clotho were looking at me like I was retarded but I really wanted to sit on the couch that Shani was so rudely hogging. Like the hog monster that he is.

Shani gave a cough and a snort and I immediately pulled my hand away, hoping that he would wake up but he just continued on snoozing.

"Just leave him alone already, he's gonna be really pissed off if you wake him up right now," Orga grumbled, staring at me disapprovingly. I just side glance him with a look that said 'Not gonna happen'. Clotho just watched passively, he didn't really care what I did to Shani if the results of which didn't backfire on him in any way and since they weren't in this scenario he just sat and watched.

"Wake up you lazy-ass," I whispered jabbing his cheek with my finger.

He twitched slightly and I poked him again thinking {wake up! wake up! I want to sit on the couch! Wake up!}

Suddenly a bitter frown appeared on Shani's lips, as if he had just tasted a sickening food. He reached up, lifted up one corner of his eye mask up, glared at me and said, "Piss off," In a dark and mumbling voice.

"Wake up, I want to sit there," Was the only response I gave him.

He covered his eye again and turned over. I frowned in disbelief and then I jumped on him.

He got pissed off and started to freak out and we got into a small scuffle that Orga had to break up. But in the end, I got to sit on the couch. Oh yes, it was a glorious day.

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Like my story? Write a review! I'd be happy to hear feedback, things I can improve on, grammar and spelling, what have you.

Thanks~!


	2. The Human Machine is Me

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine and the Reign gundam, came from my head and thus they belong to me. Please don't steal them.

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_I was struggling madly, like some caged up animal; thrashing around in the grasp of my captors. But despite all my efforts I was unable to break free. It's not like I could have done anything anyway. I mean I was just a small frail girl trying to break out of the grip of two bulky security officers, once I was caught by them there was no chance of escaping their grasp. They were pretty determined to bring me back this time too. They dragged me away from the exit door, which I was so close to reaching, and back into the operating room which I had escaped from. Orga, Shani and Clotho were there too, they were about to be operated on as well. They looked at me sympathetically once they saw me. I must have been a sad sight. Some crazy girl thrashing around like a fish out of water, desperately trying to escape a fate that I was resigned to._

_"Put her on the bed," The doctors instructed, I struggled even more as they strapped me down but I was unable to get away. My arms, and legs were strapped down heavily, there was also various restraints along my body and one over my forehead. There was no way I could get out of this. Even though I knew that I continued to struggle, but my efforts were in vain._

_My breathing was rapid and out of control, I was covered in sweat and my eyes darted around madly. This room was nothing but an eerie white hospital. It was the room in which they changed me into a biological weapon._

_I felt fear; such a gut wrenching fear, which consumed me ever so deeply. It was a fear that I had never felt before in my life. It was so awful I can hardly find words to describe it. I hope you can understand how reasonable my desires for escaping this place were. The doctors loomed over me. Their faces darkened by the artificial lights above. One of them had a syringe in his hands. My eyes were wide and wild. My breathing became more uncontrolled, if that was even possible at this point._

_"Just go to sleep for a little while," They said, their voices were low and deep. They struck my heart with fear, "When you wake up it'll be all over"_

_The Doctor stuck the syringe in my arm, just as I felt tears break from my eyes and roll down my face. My eyes began to feel heavy and my head felt light as I began to lose consciousness. It almost felt like I was leaving my body behind, and my spirit was going off to some place far away. The images of the doctors vanished from my sight as my eyelids slammed shut and I was engulfed in darkness. That day, while I slept, I dreamt of a beautiful world._

_

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Chapter Two

**The Human Machine Is Me.**

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"Germaine! Wake up!" I was jolted from my sleep. I looked up to see Clotho standing above me.

"What's up?" I grumbled rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"Come on, we gotta go. It's almost time to go out there," He said turning for the door.

My movements stopped. I knew what he meant by that. The battle was soon going to begin.

"Hurry up!" He growled from the doorway. I quickly jumped up from my seat; taking only a second to fix up my uniform, and followed him out the door.

We walked down together to the medical wing, we were about to be prepped for the up-coming battle. We didn't really say much as we walked there, but I didn't mind. I wasn't really into the mood for talking anyway. Once we reached the medical wing though, we went our separate ways. A small group of doctors surrounded me and pulled me into one of the rooms. I turned to see Clotho leave and I could have sworn I saw him give me a smile. Something like a reassuring smile. It was so weird and out of character for Clotho, that I thought I must have imagined it. Then they gave me my drug.

I am, after all, one of the Earth Alliance's biological weapons. I'm given a drug which enhances my performance when I go out into battle. Don't ask me what's in it or how it works because I have no idea at all. They never tell me anything. One of the few things I know about my drug is its name, Gamma Rhypepthin, you say it just as its read.

The thing is, my drug is different than the one that Shani, Orga and Clotho take before they go out. Their drug is called Gamma Glipheptin or something like that. They have to keep on taking it over certain periods of time or else they'll go through a rigorous withdrawal, where their nervous systems begin to collapse. It's not a pretty sight let me tell you right now. I've only seen it once and it looks like they go through absolute hell.

My case is sort of similar to theirs. If I go without my drug for a certain period of time I will also go through withdrawal like Shani and the rest but my withdrawal is so much more different than theirs. But I'll talk about that when the time comes because I'd rather not go on about it if I can help it.

I got dressed up into my pilots' uniform which looks just like the ones that the guys wear except its purple and black.

I sat down on the hospital bed as the doctors prepared to administer my drug.

"Bend your head down," One of them instructed and I obeyed. I had learned a long time ago that it was better to listen to what they told you instead of rebelling against them. It's not like I really could rebel, even if I wanted to anymore. I could only rebel to certain extents and even that was a bad thing, they had me on a short leash and if I did even one small thing to upset them I could be terminated.

I bent my head down as far as I could, pressing my chin against my collar bone. Another difference between my drug and the drug that Shani, Orga and Clotho take is the way that it is ingested. They just drink their drug but mine has to be injected.

I have a small receptor on the back of my neck where they stick in a needle and inject the drug. That only makes me feel like I'm even more of a machine and less of a human.

They cleared my hair away and stabbed the needle into the base of my neck. My muscles tightened for a brief moment as I felt the drug shoot through me. It felt like a flame rushing through my veins until the feeling slowly melted away.

Then they sent me out.

I climbed into my mobile suit. It was a gigantic mechanical monster. Its body was dark, mostly purple but it also had bits of black and light blue on it. GAT-X 545 Reign was its codename.

It was lean and thin as far as mobile suits go, which isn't really surprising considering my mobile suit was built for endurance. Weapon-wise it isn't some sort of fire-power poisoned tank, but it has a fair amount of armory. I mean, why wouldn't it? Its main purpose, anyway, was to end life.

It has gun-barrels on its wrists which shoot out barrages of bullets and missiles. Two beam swords on its sides and a lean battle axe sheathed in the back. Its sides were sharp; it had blades protruding out of some spots on its body like the forearm and along its spine.

Anyway, I'll be able to tell you more about my mobile suit while the fight happens, so hold on until then. So, I had just climbed inside of the Reign Gundam, when 'Azreal-sama' came through on my radio.

"Hello, you four," He sang in a cheery voice. It made me sick so I just gave him a cold glare. I really hoped he had seen me glaring at him with such hateful eyes. Sadly enough, I don't think he did.

If you didn't already know, Azreal (full name Muruta Azreal) is the son of a bitch which funded and backed the project of turning people like me into living weapons of the Alliance.

They have a whole facility dedicated to it, filled with all sorts of children and everything which they train and manufacture to be the Earth Forces' living weapons. Not only that but, he's the esteemed leader of Blue Cosmos (which is a terrorist organization completely against Coordinator-kind) and is now leading the Earth Forces. He's the one who wanted to attack Orb in the first place.

"I would like to remind you all not to destroy Morgenroete or the Mass Driver. Do you understand that?" He asked, sounding more serious than before.

"Pfft, whatever," I huffed; I knew that if I didn't obey him, there would be hell to pay.

"But we can do whatever else we want, right?" Shani murmured darkly.

"Oh yeah" Clotho smirked.

"Shut up you guys," Orga snapped.

And with that last cheery remark from Orga, the four of us headed out to the hell and destruction of battle.

I soared across the ocean, the engine in my lean mobile suit keeping me above the water's surface. The same thing couldn't be said about Orga's Gundam; Calamity. That thing was so packed with fire-power and weapons that it had to ride on the back of Clotho's Raider Gundam. Which I figured would be rather disadvantageous to him and Clotho.

But I didn't care much since it wasn't my problem. I reached the shore-line and a barrage of bullets and cannon-fire came my way. I pulled out of the way just soon enough for it to miss me. Once out of harm's way, I began to hail my own wave of fire down upon my attackers. A mass of terrible explosions erupted from where the shots I fired had hit. Killing hundreds. I didn't have more than a second to think about all the lives I had just taken before my attention was drawn to Shani, and Clotho.

They were in the middle of a three-way battle against some brilliant white mobile suit, which had large blue wings stretching out behind it. Once I laid eyes on it I knew he was strong.

I also noticed that Clotho had dumped Orga off somewhere. Orga was down below the fight, shooting at all of the many enemies around us. I glided around the battle field for a bit longer, taking out all the small-fry Astray's and battle tanks, while I secretly kept my eyes on the battle with 'The White One'.

Even though it was a two-against-one, Shani and Clotho looked like they were having a rather tough time fighting against The White One.

After seeing my fill of their fight I figured it was time for me to step in and do some damage. I shot up into the sky from my spot on the shoreline and up towards the battle with Shani, Clotho and the White One.

I came out of nowhere, and smashed into the white mobile suit, just barely missing attacks from Shani and Clotho.

"Damn it Germaine, get out of my way," I heard Clotho snap at me but I was too busy watching the white Gundam tumble through the sky because of my hit, all the while with an evil smirk on my face.

It was only a second later though, that the White One recovered and resumed battling us. He was at a major disadvantage now that I had jumped in. It was a three against one battle and he was on the receiving end. The only troubles any of us had was to not get caught up in friendly fire. I was finding it rather difficult not to accidentally hit Shani or Clotho's machines.

Maybe I should have just stayed on the ground with Orga and took care of all the weak ones.

But the events that occurred a moment later made me think otherwise.

Clotho rose up quickly behind the white Gundam's back and was just about to shoot at him with the Raider's Zorn energy cannon when a flash of red shot down from the skies above and kicked him out of the way.

A second mobile suit had suddenly appeared. It was a brilliant red, a really piercing, deep red that shone vibrantly in the summer sun. It stood proud before us, gloating in the sudden confusion it had created. But for some reason beyond my understanding it looked as if it was protecting the White Gundam behind it.

"Who the hell are you supposed to be?" Clotho shouted out in anger, before he continued his onslaught.

I, however, didn't rush at our new enemy so quickly. I am kind of a cautious person and I didn't want to do battle with this Red enemy before I knew what he was capable of.

Shani and Clotho engaged the Red and White mobile suits, while I circled around the skyward fight, not attacking but just observing until I saw a spot where I could jump in. Kind of like a shark circling its prey, hidden by the darkness of the sea.

While all four machines were caught up in the fight, I suddenly shot out of my steady course and went soaring toward the White Gundam, hoping to land a good hit. Which looked like it was about to happen before the Red One came in.

The Red one was in the middle of fighting Clotho, but once he saw me approaching he effortlessly kicked Clotho out of the way and came at me. And not a second too soon. Just before I was about to crash into the White Gundam, the Red one came at me and pushed me out of the way. My mobile suit shook violently as I went tumbling through the air.

"Bastard," I cursed under my breath, once I was able too steady myself.

I launched a wave of gunfire at him again and again. I know I said I was cautious...I am...usually...until someone pisses me off.

Just as I had observed before jumping back into the fight, the pilot of the red mobile suit was incredibly skilled. He was going to be no easy opponent, especially when this fight was beginning to drag on as such.

This skyward battle involving the 5 of us had also piqued Orga's interest. He began to shoot cannon-fire up into the sky in hopes of hitting one of our enemies. Which I thought was completely retarded, since he had a better chance of hitting one of us than the enemies we were fighting. Sadly enough, he seemed to be fully aware of that, and it didn't seem like he cared if he hit us.

A dual beam of green light came soaring towards us from Orga's position of the ground. The Red mobile suit and I managed to avoid it, but it was heading straight towards Shani.

Shani managed to bring up the Forbidden's shields just in time to block the shot and redirect it someplace else. Unfortunately for Clotho the redirected beams went straight towards him which just missed his mobile suit by a hair.

"Shani! You bastard!" He yelled. Shani just smirked in reply.

The red mobile suit pulled out a double-beamed sword and went shooting at me. I pulled out my mobile suits battle axe and the blades clashed. It was a stand still until I was over powered and pushed out of the way again. I tumbled through the skies ending up close to the White one. Once I regained my bearings I prepared to attack him, but one of Orga's miss placed shots nearly hit me.

I growled out in anger, "Orga! Fuck off; you're getting in my way!"

Orga jumped off of the ground and the engines off his mobile suit managed to keep him skyward.

"_You're_ pissing me off, Germaine!" He growled and shot another beam at me. I dodged rather easily, which lead me to think that he wasn't serious about hitting me. But he still managed to infuriate me.

"The same goes for you too, Shani!" Orga turned on Shani and fired. Shani again brought up his shields and blocked the shot.

The Red and White mobile suits stood still in the sky for a moment. The pilots must have been completely confused at why the four of us where more interested in fighting each other than fighting either of them.

"I've had enough of you Orga!" Clotho growled, looking like he was about to turn and fight against the Calamity now.

"You've pisses me o-" But Clotho cut out in mid-sentence. In fact all three of them seem to freeze suddenly. Not one of them made a move; their Gundam's just hovered in the air.

It only took me a moment to realize that their drug had worn off.

I gasped as a feeling of fear was brought down upon me. Of course I was slightly worried about the well-being of Shani/Orga/Clotho. But I was also worried about my own drug wearing off.

"Hey? Are you guys okay in there!" I tried to radio them and see if I could be of any help, but the only response I got back was pained screaming.

My heart sank as a feeling of dread consumed me. This wasn't good.

The Red and White Gundams stood watching the lot of us, wondering why we had all stopped our attacks and movements.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should help Shani and the others or continue attacking the enemy mobile suits. I couldn't debate the issue any further as my own drug began to ware off.


	3. Hell World

**Third Installment of Under My Control (with Germaine). Featuring: Shani Andras, Orga Sabnak and Clotho Buer.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine and the Reign gundam, came from my head and thus they belong to me. Please don't steal them.

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_It had been a few weeks since the operation. They had brought me into a small white room which was featureless, and empty. There was a large black rectangle embedded on the far wall, the only notable feature in the room; it was a one-sided window from which the doctors watched. Behind it, they were observing me. There was a figure that came from the only door in the room and approached me. He was tall, and dressed in white; another doctor. _

_"Note the receptor on the back of your neck" He said to me, his voice was reformed and still. I stared forward blankly before reaching my hand up to touch the back of my neck. My fingertips grazed the receptor, which felt cold and hard. It wasn't part of my flesh; it was just some added component. I felt like a machine._

_The doctor then held up some sort of injector. I stared at it confusedly._

_"Inside of this injector is your drug, Gamma Rhypepthin. You need to receive regular doses of this to remain functional," he explained, showing me the liquid swirling around in the injector. I wasn't pleased by that ‚remain functional 'comment, it made me feel like I was regarded only as a tool and not as a living being; a tool that could be broken and replaced with ease. I didn't like the way his words felt._

_"We are here today to observe the effects of what happens when you go without the drug" He continued._

_I just continued to stare at them. I wasn't really sure how to respond. I had grown tired of his needless talking. I was becoming bored with his words to the point of being unable to care about what he was saying. But in a few short moments, I would regret my careless attitude. _

_The doctor pulled back his sleeve and held up his wrist and glanced at the watch that was held there, "Which should begin in...3...2...1..."_

_The doctor turned away and disappeared through the door as I was then plunged into a world worse than hell_

Chapter 3

**Hell World**

I froze in complete shock and dread. I could feel my muscles tightening, my sight fading and my world being painted by darkness. A deep pain washed over me and I screamed out in utter horror. I brought my hands up and gripped my head tightly on either side, it felt like it was about to rupture. My feet kicked about wildly. All around me, completely consuming me, were shadows, malevolently deep, black shadows that engulfed me and sneered at my agony. Long, thin appendages shot out from the deep blackness and gripped me. Choking me, tearing at my body, ripping open my flesh and gouging out my bones. A loud wailing filled my ears, thick blood filled my throat and choked me, my body lurched and I screamed out again. I had been thrust into a world which was worse than hell.

Without my drug I suffer through hellish hallucinations and real physical pain. It has something to do with my brain but the drug is like a stabilizer which calms my mind and keeps me steady and held together. But without it, my mind shatters and I'm thrust into a world of utter horror and pain. Even though I know that this world is nothing but a fabrication, a hallucination, I am still unable to tell myself otherwise. No matter how many times I say, 'this world is not real' I will never be able to leave it. The only thing that is capable of pulling me out of this dreadful hallucination is my drug.

I screamed again, thrashing out at the shadows before me, when in reality nothing was there. I opened my eyes, wide and wild; they spun around madly in their sockets as I searched for something. Through the fear and horror of this unfortunate world I had been sucked into, I saw the figures of the Raider, Forbidden and Calamity soaring back to the mother ship. I had no other desire at that moment than to follow them. And so I did.

My breathing was uncontrolled and wild. Tears poured from my eyes endlessly as I drove on through the darkness.

I managed to board the ship and I sat tight in a ball in the cock pit of my mobile suit.

I held myself tightly, willing the pain to stop, wanting this world to end. But it didn't. It was far from over.

The hatch of my mobile suit opened and thousands of dark, ragged hands shot at me and grabbed my body. They tugged and pulled at me, peeling off my flesh and yanking out my bones. They dragged me down further and into the throat of a putrid darkness. The malign hands seized my throat and tore out my windpipe. My heart was stricken with absolute fear as I felt myself tumbling downwards. In reality, the dark hands were the arms of the doctors as they pulled me, thrashing, from my machine and I toppled to the floor.

The floor was cold as ice and pierced deep into my skin as waves of pain washed over me and pulled me under. An ocean of pain.

I let out a scream of pure agony, which caught the ears of Shani and the rest who weren't too far away.

They had not seen what the effects of my drug were before now and even though they were in their own world of pain they managed to turn their heads to try to see me.

I don't know if they ever did see how I looked. But I hope to god that they didn't. I looked like absolute hell. I was thrashing around on the ground like some fish out of water, as if that would pull me out of this world of pain and back into reality. It was useless though. They took me away and shut me into some secluded room where I spent hours in that hell. They watched me as I suffered through it. Sometimes I wonder if they even have a heart. I have no idea how they can just sit there and watch me suffer through hours of that torment, what kind of person can just sit there and observe someone suffer? But I know, in this world there are many people who can kill with a smile. I am one of them. So maybe it isn't very surprising that they can watch me, detached, drown in those endless hours of hell. But I hope someday that they'll realize what they're doing to me and stop it. It's a pipe dream though, a sad desperate dream.

Minutes seemed like hours and hours seemed like years. It felt like an eternity before they brought me out of that horrible, dark world. I could feel the injector pierce deep into my neck through the receptor. My vision was whipped clean for a minute and all I could see was a blinding white light. The light eventually faded away and the room reformed around me.

I body was left numb and weak.

"Get up!" I heard one of the doctors command. I somehow managed to move into a sitting position. The doctors stood above me, looming like obelisks. They looked malevolent and just seeing them in that light made me understand why they could watch me suffer.

"Now listen to me," One of them said, sounding disappointed, "If you don't want to be put through that again you'd better improve"

At that point I'd just about had it. I ran at the doctor, with serious intentions to harm him. I know that my pent up anger would probably be better spent on someone like Azrael or something. But right now, this guy was the closest outlet for my rage.

He ducked clumsily out of the way of my oncoming fist which was meant to connect right with his jaw if he hadn't moved away.

"Restrain her!" I heard one of them shout as they tried to make an attempt to tie me down.

Before they could make a move at settling me down Orga burst into the room from one of the doors on the far wall. Little did I know at the time but, Shani, Orga and Clotho had just been given their drug in the neighboring room. They had heard the commotion and Orga ran in to see what was making me freak out.

At that moment I really didn't care if he was here or not. I just knew that if he got in my way he was going to get hurt. But right now I had my eyes set on the doctor in front of me. I had him backed into a corner, while all the other doctors went and looked for something to sedate me with. He was cowering in fear as I made a move at him. But before I could run at him Orga grabbed me and held me back.

"Germaine!" He growled, "Stop it!"

I struggled in his grasp at first; trying to break away and kill the doctor I had cornered. Who had now taken his chance to flee.

Orga put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him. He held me firmly and looked at me right in the eyes.

"That's enough!" He said, his voice was firm but also had gentleness in it. I'm not sure why, but once I heard it I began to relax.

I stared at him with a dazed look as the anger and fury left me. Orga slowly removed his hands from my shoulders. The doctors were staring at the two of us in shock, wondering if I had really calmed down.

I'm not really sure how he had done it but Orga had soothed my savage beast.

"Okay?" He asked.

I nodded slowly. He gave a small chuckle and ruffled my hair. I frowned and pushed his hand away from my head.

"Now come on, dumb shit, we gotta go," He said as he turned and headed for the door. I watched his figure slowly disappear out the door before I followed after him quickly.

We were joined by Clotho and Shani on our walk back to the hangar, they didn't say much to me but their silence only made me wonder how many unanswered questions they had about me.

I had my own questions for them too. This was the first time that we had all seen what each other's withdrawal was like since our time in the facility and even then I don't they had ever seen what my withdrawal was like before. Well, all of what we 'could' see through all of that pain. I wanted to ask them lots of things, and to this day some of those questions still don't have answers to accompany them.

I'm not alive, don't you see, all of this is just fake flesh.

We boarded our machines and an ominous feeling consumed me, but for some reason it made me feel excited. I wanted revenge. Even though my pain and withdrawal wasn't entirely the fault of those two machines I had fought, I still blamed them. I wanted to make them suffer as I had suffered. I wanted to put them through torment.

A twisted smirk spread across my lips when I thought of that, the thought of putting the red and white machines through torment. I know that may sound twisted, but after all of the horrible things that have been dealt unto me by this wretched world, why should you be surprised? This world has made me into a monster. Into a weapon of killing.

My machine departed from the mother-ship and soared over the dawning waters of the ocean. Sun had just broken the surface of the skyline leaving the world tinted in a hue of pink and soft yellow. It was a beautiful pre-battle sight. This would be the last sunrise that some would ever witness, hopefully not for me as well.

Gunfire broke out and the world was illuminated by explosions. The earth itself seemed to tremble under the raging skies above. I was unleashing my own barrage of destruction onto our enemies, leaving only ruin in my wake. But this was hardly a challenge at all. All of the orb forces fighting us were incredibly weak and clumsy. But that didn't really surprise me much since this nation had never really gotten involved in the war before. Most of the people here had probably never flown a mobile suit before. That's understandable and everything but it was getting on my nerves. I wanted to fight those two machines from yesterday but no matter how hard I looked I couldn't even spot a glimpse of them.

I was beginning to grow impatient. I had just cleaved an Astray in two with my axe; I heard a scream of horror come from the pilot before the machine burst into flame and exploded. I gave a small chuckle at watching him die.

Many other Astrays came from behind me and surrounded me; it took no more than a few minutes to take them all out.

I shot off of the ground as more Astrays began to notice me. I wanted to get away from them since fighting weak ones like them was a waste of my time. Fortunately I didn't have to wait long before the White machine returned to the battlefield. It announced its presence as soon as it fired its first shot. Explosions surrounded the white mobile suit as it unleashed a wave of gunfire against our side's Strike Daggers. Upon seeing him I hesitated for no more than a second before I shot straight at him. He noticed me right before I swung my axe at him and he gracefully dodged out of the way. Shani, Orga and Clotho arrived only a second later sending a hail of cannon fire down upon the White One.

Despite having four mobile suits firing down upon him simultaneously, he managed to block, dodge and intercept all of our oncoming fire. This is what I mean by a skilled pilot; this is the kind of opponent that I want to fight.

Not many people would be able to stand up to four mobile suit pilots like me and the boys all attacking at once.

But it was clear that he was beginning to tire. I thought for a brief instant that we might actually win. Well, that was before the Red mobile suit decided to show.

He came right at me, out of absolute nowhere and slammed into me, sending me flying down towards the sea. I managed to straighten myself up and stop my downward spiral just before I hit the water.

"Well lookie here! The Red ones out too!" Orga broke in. He sounded rather happy about it. I guess he wanted bloody revenge too.

The battle began; the four of us against the two of them. The battle was like a dance for a celebration of death. I had no other desires or goals at that moment than to put an end to those two machines.

It's hard to put into words, my drive for malice; the primordial urge I had to terminate those machines. But it's almost rather sad, since my hatred is fueled by fear.

The battle between the six of us raged on over the ocean. Orga had jumped off of Clotho's Raider and was surfing across the surface of the water, shooting all over the goddamn place. Shani, Clotho and I were gliding above the water, entwined in the vicious battle. We had all improved since the last battle. Since we didn't want to be punished again we were willing to do whatever we had to so that wouldn't happen again. It's a really sick plan that Azrael's got going on with us, and I don't mean that in a good way. We'll continue to fight because we don't want to be punished. It must have taken some really twisted minds to think up that plan, but Azrael's mind is one of the sickest, so it fits.

A scuffle broke out between Orga and Clotho. The Calamity suddenly jumped onto the back of the Raider Gundam and they took off back towards the mother ship. The only conclusion I could draw from that is that their mobile suits had run out of energy. Now that I had thought about that, I noticed the power on my own suit was depleting rapidly. I figured Shani must be in the same position as me. We wouldn't be able to drag this out much longer. It kinda made me wonder if the Red and White mobile suits were running on empty too.

The White One attacked Shani, ripping the giganto-sythe out of his mobile suit's hands and was about to bring his beam sword down onto the Forbidden. Shani jumped out of the way just in time and took off back towards the mother ship. I watched him leave with an uneasy look. I was the only one left, and I knew that I didn't have a very good chance at fighting these two enemies on my own. Retreating would be the sensible thing to do, but if I ran away then I would only face punishment. I didn't want that, I didn't want to go through that horrible pain again, so I decided to stay and fight.

I lunged at the two mobile suits with my axe drawn high, poised for attack. If I could find an opening I might be able to cleave one of them in two, or at least take off an arm. The Red One matched my attack with his own beam sword and our blades clashed. The White one jumped in out of nowhere and cut the arms off of my machine, they fell into the sea and the Red mobile suit took this chance to fire all of his weapons on me. They hit me dead on and my mobile suit shattered and lurched from the force. Somehow, it managed to stay together but at a harsh cost. It was at this point that my machine ran out of energy.

"Oh, no..." I whispered out in shock. I had to get out of here, I had to escape. But before I was even able to grab the chance of escaping both the Red and White mobile suits shot their weapons at me. I didn't have the time to escape.

"OH SHIT!" I cried out bringing my hands in front of my face, as if that would have helped anything. I waited for the shots to connect, but they never did.

I hesitantly peeked out from behind my arms to see the Forbidden Gundam standing in front of me. It only took me a second to realize that Shani had just saved my life. Since the Forbidden Gundam was built with defense in mind, it has two huge shields on it which deflects most beam attacks. He had protected me.

"...Shani..." I called out his name absentmindedly.

"What the hell are you doing!" He snapped angrily.

I jumped at the harsh tone of his voice, and I was so taken back by it that I couldn't think of an answer. I just sat there dumbly, staring at him.

"We've got to go, now!" He said, the anger dropping from his voice somewhat.

"...R-right!" I shouted suddenly, snapping out of my daze, finally taking the chance to escape. The both of us took off back towards the mother ship; the red and white mobile suits didn't follow, or make any other moves to attack us. I wanted to thank Shani, for saving me but I couldn't think of the words to use. I just sat there timidly as we boarded onto the mother ship.


	4. Shoot me into the Sky

Exams are over so look forward to more chapters~

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine and the Reign gundam, came from my head and thus they belong to me.

* * *

_I was held quarantine in a room dark as night. Even without the helmet on, it was pitch black in here. I hadn't eaten in days and my body showed it. My bones were protruding out of a thin blanket of flesh. The joints showed and my ribcage was horribly evident. A gray, featureless helmet was placed over my head; concealing my face. I couldn't see through it since there were no eye-holes. The only feature it had was a small grille placed in front of my mouth so that I could breathe. I was naked; they hadn't bothered to clothe me which only left my dying body openly exposed. I know I said that I wasn't eating, but that wasn't because the people in this facility were starving me, it was because I refused to eat. I had fallen into a deep depression ever since I had experienced the effects of my drug. I didn't want to do anything, I just wanted to wither away and die, and that was perfectly okay with me._

_I was shut in isolation. They kept me alive, in this cold empty room and I waited for the day when I would be taken out, thrown in a mobile suit and told to kill all those who stood before me. I had lost all reason for living. In this room, I lost all grasp on time, I had no idea how many months… or years had passed since I was confined. I just wanted to die so all of this could come to an end. The far away point of my death was a sweet release I craved._

_I heard a door open and the room was filled with light which poured in from the hallways. It's not like I could really see any of it anyway, only four thin slits of light were shining faintly through the grille in my helmet, against my lips. I heard footsteps approaching me, once they had reached me they stopped. Someone put a tray of food in front of me, setting it on the ground. They popped open the grille on my helmet and instructed me to eat. I could see the food faintly through the hole in my helmet. It looked like it was made of plastic. I just sat there not making a move towards the food placed in front of me._

_The person who had brought the food, I wasn't sure if he was one of the doctors or perhaps security personnel, stood there impatiently._

_"Listen," He said, his voice sounding anything but kind, "If you don't start eating soon then we're just gonna have to tie you down and force you to eat, or we could simply inject the nutrients in you too, would you like that?"_

_I just sat there._

_"I don't think you understand how much of a privilege it is for you to be able to eat freely, you better start being thankful for it," He said._

_"NOW EAT!" He commanded._

_I paused for a moment before making a move for the tray of food. With one swift movement I overturned the tray, sending the contents spilling across the floor. I closed the grille on my helmet and curled back up into a ball, turning away from the man. There was no movement for a minute until the man broke the silence with laughter._

_"You really want to die, don't you?" He sneered at me, "Oh well it's your life,"_

_And with that, he left. From that day on, my meals were injected into my body._

Chapter 4

**Shoot me into the sky.**

They shut me into a room and monitored my withdrawal. I had curled my body into a tight ball, withering and sobbing. Tears streamed out of my eyes and a thin line of blood broke from my lips which were torn and smeared with blood. I was in that hellish world and a circle of doctors hovered around me. I guess I hadn't improved enough to meet their expectations; it still makes me sick that they can just watch me suffer through all this pain. It'll be nice if I can end them before I die. It was sweet bliss by the time they stuck the injector into my neck, because I'm sure my body was reaching its limit, eventually it would have gave out and I would have died.

They held me down and they stabbed the needle in, I felt the drug shoot through my body and the pain died away, still, after a few moments they continued to hold me down.

"You won't attack us again," They commanded, "Understand?"

"Yes," I answered quickly, emotionlessly. I wasn't going to attack the doctors again. I knew if I did they would probably terminate me.

They slowly released me and I was free to stand. I stayed on the floor for a minute before I slowly picked myself up. The first thing I saw were soldiers holding guns in their arms, watching me closely, looking for any signs that I might attack. They were standing against the walls and their eyes were trained on me. I felt a sharp sense of unease when I saw them, because I knew one wrong move would result in death. I knew better than to rebel, if I tried to make a move against them I would be killed. I valued my life, even though it's filled with such heartache.

I turned for the door, feeling the eyes of many doctors and soldiers staring at me, making sure I was kept in line. That I obeyed.

I joined Orga, Shani and Clotho on the way to the hangar. We didn't even greet each other, but I was perfectly fine with that. I wasn't in a conversational mood. I did however want to thank Shani for saving my life during the last sortie. While walking, I turned my head to face him but the second I saw his eyes I was immediately dissuaded from talking to him. He didn't look at me but there was something that I saw in his eyes that made me timid and uneasy. I didn't know what it was, I didn't have words to describe the feeling, but his eyes looked painfully cold and empty.

We boarded our machines and I could feel the tension building within me; it's a pre-battle feeling. The four of us were the only machines being sent out. We flew over the burning nation, it was completely in ruin. I didn't feel any sort of remorse from seeing the nation of Orb aflame. I just found it hard to even care anymore. The deaths of all those below me had not the smallest effect on me. In fact, this whole world could burn for all I care. Since this world didn't care that I had been burned.

We saw Orb's Mass Driver silhouetted against the sky. The red and white mobile suits were out there waiting for us. The two of them stood alone in the sky poised for attack, Orb really was making a last stand. Another feeling grew within me; I could sense a feeling of closure. I realized that this would be the last battle I would fight over the nation aflame; Orb.

The battle began. It took place in the air which forced Orga to stay atop Clotho's mobile suit this time. Shani was entwined in a battle with The Red One. Swiftly, and without being noticed I jumped up behind the Red mobile suit and shot a barrage of missiles at him from the gun barrels on my machine's arms. They hit him dead on and sent him tumbling through the air. I was overjoyed at having landed a good hit on that annoying red bastard but he regained himself rather too quickly for my tastes. Not only were these pilots skilled but their machines were something else too. They never seemed to run out of power and they were unbelievably dense and well-armed. It's no wonder it was hard to shoot them down. But besides all that I liked to think that they could still be brought down. They couldn't be invincible, it just wasn't possible.

My eyes suddenly caught the shape of a warship rising out from one of the islands situated near the mass drivers starting point. I recognized this warship. Its body was painted a snowy white; it seemed to shine in the sunlight as it took off from the island. I had seen this ship in the previous battles but had never engaged it, by the path it was taking I thought that I would have to fight it now, it looked strong and I was a bit uneasy about that. Thankfully enough though it flew right past us, charging upwards in an arch towards the sky. It fired a shot from one of its main cannons and blasted up towards the sun. I realized that it was going into space. From the place that it was now, there was no way that any gun on my machine would be able to land a hit upon it. Orga's suit would probably be the only one with a chance of hitting it. But he and Clotho were too caught up in a fight with the White One to have a chance to fire at it. So I just watched the white warship shoot into the sky out of the corner of my eye, having an eerie feeling that this wouldn't be the last time I would see it.

The battle continued. Since the four of us had a perpetual fear of being punished again I noticed that we had improved even more than last time, not by a lot but our skills were obviously improving. That gave me a small but sure confidence boost.

[I can take these two down!] I thought with devious joy [I'm going to crush them!]

My attention was abruptly drawn away from my battle with the Red One as I noticed some sort of ship running down the mass driver's track.

"What's that...?" I murmured, gazing at it confusedly.

Both the red and white mobile suits made a sudden dash for the fleeing ship, grabbing onto it as it shot down the track. They were escaping, following the white warship up into the stars.

Orga, Shani and Clotho realized it too and began to focus all of their firepower on the ship which had the red and white mobile suits clinging onto it desperately, blazing down the metal railway.

I was about to join their onslaught when I remembered Azrael's words. "Do not destroy the mass driver, understand?"

I hesitated; Shani and the other two knew it as well. Their aiming was sloppy and none of their shots were connecting with anything. We all knew we'd be in shit if we damaged the mass driver. That made it incredibly difficult to land a hit upon the fleeing ship. What was I gonna do?

As it neared the end of the mass driver's track, which bent into a violent arch towards the sky, I decided that I didn't care.

"Fuck this!" I said as I shot towards the ship. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do, maybe jump onto the retreating ship and throw off one of the two mobile suits or just blow it to pieces, but I suddenly didn't care. I was going to die anyway so I might as well blow up these two bastards before I croak.

"Germaine! What are you doing?" I heard Orga shout to me as I charged at the fleeing ship.

"Get out of the way you idiot!" Clotho shouted angrily. I aimed my guns at the ship as it sped down the mass driver. It was almost at the end of the track, if I wanted to attack I had better do it now.

Before I could pull the trigger the red and white mobile suits had turned on me.

I hadn't even noticed them until it was too late. They fired their guns on me, the shots flying right towards the cock-pit of my mobile suit. I panicked, pulling wildly on the controls out of impulse in hopes I might dodge the onslaught. Luckily I managed to spare my life for the time being, but I didn't get out of it completely unscathed. The shots fired from the red and white mobile suits had blown the legs right off of my machine. I lost control and went plummeting into the sea. The last thing I saw before I was engulfed by the water was the ship soar up the mass driver and into the sky.

"Germaine!" I could hear someone calling out to me as I sank slowly into the depths of the ocean. Who was it? At this point I couldn't even think straight, I had smacked my head off something when the red and white machines had attacked me. My brain was muddled and a thick stream of blood was pouring down from my forehead. My vision was clouding and becoming blurry.

"Germaine?" My mobile suit was drifting down deeper into the darkness. I was trying my hardest to stay awake but I could feel myself going under.

"Germaine!" Through the fog covering my eyes and the deep, black water of the sea which consumed me I could make out the image of Shani's Forbidden Gundam reaching out for me. Was he one who had called out to me? I didn't know.

"Sha..." I tried to call out his name but the words fell ill in the back of my throat. He grabbed onto my sinking machine and pulled me up towards the surface. A bright light hit my face as I was pulled to the surface of the water. It took me a few minutes to figure out what was making such a strong, bright light. Then I saw, over in the distance, a massive explosion erupting up from Orb. It travelled up the length of the mass driver; and it lurched and collapsed into a heap of twisted metal into the ocean. I watched in shock as the nation of Orb burst into flame. I seemed to be mesmerized by the dancing flames that burned over the horizon. I turned my gaze to the fallen Mass Driver, lying broken beyond repair in the ocean. A sad smile spread across my face as I realized that our whole battle here in this nation had now been meaningless. All we had achieved in this fight was destroying a neutral nation.

"Germaine? Are you still alive in there?" I hear Clotho's voice call out to me.

"I'm okay," I called out in a weak voice. My eyelids began to feel heavy; I was losing consciousness quickly, any moment now I would drift off. The flames on the skyline became distorted as my eyelids drooped.

"I'm...okay..." I repeated absentmindedly as my vision started to go blank. It faded a few seconds later and I slipped into oblivion. My consciousness subsided and I fell into a dream.


	5. Treasure Me

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine and Miss Lili, came from my head and thus they belong to me.

* * *

_The sound of a door opening pulled me out of my stupor, out of the haze of my mind that had clouded around me. I heard the mechanical noise, the squealing of the hinges as the door pulled back and a beam of light shot through the room like a cascade; not like I could see it anyway with this stupid helmet. There was a pause and no movement, who was at the door? More doctors come to experiment on me further? Was it time for my daily injection of nutrients or my drug? The cleaning lady? After the brief moment of silence I heard footsteps advance towards me, to where I was curled in a ball at the back of the room. This would have been a regular, nothing-out-of-the-ordinary circumstance, if the footsteps I heard weren't the steady clip-clop-clip-clop of high heeled shoes. A woman was coming to see me? This was out of the ordinary, there weren't many female doctors here, I knew that, and all of the people who came in here to give me my drug or what have you were men. Who is this?_

_The footsteps came nearer and stopped once they reached me. I could feel the presence of someone standing in front of me, despite my lack of vision I knew someone was there. There was a pause, and then a few rustling movements followed, like someone sitting down or kneeling down on their feet. I didn't react in any way to the person, I kept my knees hugged close against my bony chest, I hugged them close with my pencil-thin arms._

_"You're Germaine, aren't you?" A soft female voice asked me. I didn't recognize this voice and made no attempt to respond._

_I heard her chuckle, "Come on now, don't be shy! I'm going to take your helmet off... is it okay if I do that?" She asked me gently. Her voice was kind and easy, it gave off no hostile feelings, and in fact it almost seemed to ease me._

_Without hearing a response from me, not like I was going to give her one anyway, she reached behind my head and popped open the back of my helmet, slowly lifting it off my head and letting my black hair, which had grown out considerably, fall across my malnourished body. The woman's face was nothing but a blur at first but my eyes soon focused in on her. She looked to be in around her late 20's or early 30's. She had blonde hair tied up in a bun and deep blue eyes. She was wearing a lab coat and black high heels, although the heel wasn't very high at all. She had soft, childish features, and she faced me with a kind and easy smile. I didn't feel any vibe of malice or danger from this woman, I don't know why but I felt that she wasn't here to hurt me._

_"Here," She said holding a dull white dress out to me. It was featureless and looked like something one would wear in a hospital._

_I stared at it blankly; my mind wasn't really functioning properly since I had been in isolation for so long. They also injected my meals into me regularly so the lack of physical food had dumbed down my mental condition heavily. It also had to do with the fact that I was in a deeply depressive state. _

_"Put this on," She said holding the dress up, "Come on, arms up," She instructed me gently._

_I slowly, weakly, put up my horribly thin arms and she pulled the dress over my head, covering my sickly body._

_"Can you stand up?" She asked me. I just stared up at her dumbly. She responded by gently gabbing my hand and slowly pulling me up from the floor. My legs were weak, I hadn't stood up on them for a long time and they trembled wildly. The woman held onto me, steading me and making sure that I didn't fall._

_"There! That's a good girl, now do you think you can walk?" She asked me, seeming very happy that I managed to stand up._

_I still made no attempt to reply but tried to take a step forward. The second I put weight on my leg it gave way and I went falling towards the floor, luckily though she caught me before my body could connect with the ground._

_"Oops!" she giggled._

_"Here," She said to me, taking my hands in hers and holding onto them firmly, "Baby steps,"_

_I slowly took a small step forward and with the help of the woman I managed to walk, even though it was painfully slow. She held my hands patiently as my legs got used to being used again, after quite some time, due to my sluggish pace, we reached the door._

_"Now, come with me," She said, "I have something I have to show you!"_

_I followed her without question; since I figured protesting wouldn't have any effect. We walked down the gray halls of the facility, those of which I hadn't seen in quite some time, I couldn't remember the last time I was let out of that room. She held onto my hand securely. Where was this woman taking me? Was she bringing me to an operating room, to be experimented on more? Did the doctors give up on trying keeping me alive, was she bringing me to my death?_

_"Who...are...?" I choked on my words. I had wanted to ask her who she was but I hadn't talked since... well who knows when._

_Even though I couldn't say what I wanted to she seemed to understand what I was trying to ask, "My name is Doctor Bridget but you can call me Lili," She responded, smiling at me._

_I just stared at her absentmindedly as she continued to drag me all over the place. I thought Lili Bridget was a weird name. It was a little while longer before we finally reached our destination and luckily, it wasn't an operating room. She dragged me into one random room, that of which I could not discern on what it was until we went in, it was a bed room and inside I saw Shani, Orga and Clotho._

_I hadn't seen them in ages, I vaguely remembered their faces, and by their reactions they seemed to remember me too. I had met them briefly before, and I'm sure they remembered me as 'the crazy girl who tried to escape'. I hardly knew anything at all about them, even their names for that matter, but we were all in the same boat we were all experiments in this place. When I saw them, they looked at me in pity... or did they seem repulsed by me? I looked horrible, my outward state caused by many internal and external factors, such as my depression and lack of food, was very poor. My skin was a pasty white, almost a dull gray. My hair was dry and scraggly, the dress Ms. Lili had given me was concealing most of my body but my face was thin and my stick-like legs stuck out under me. My lips were dry and crusty and my eyes were almost painfully dull and held deep circles under them. In short, I looked like I was dead. _

_"Germaine," Ms. Lili said to me, "Do you remember these three boys?"_

_I stared at them, trying to remember what their names were. I brought up a shaky finger (I was shaking because of malnutrition and all of the walking I'd been doing with such a weak body) and pointed at Orga._

_"Orca," I said, seeming sure of my answer. Ms. Lili chuckled and corrected me, "He's Orga,"_

_"Oh..." I said, my cheeks turning red._

_"What do you want from us?" Orga asked Ms. Lili._

_"The four of us are going to go outside!" She cried happily._

_My head shot up, did she just say... outside?_

_The three boys looked at me uneasily, "Are you sure about that?" Clotho asked pointing at me, "She's a bit of a runner."_

_"Yes," Ms. Lili said thoughtfully, "I'm well aware of what she's done before, but I trust in her."_

_She looked down at me and spoke to me directly, "I trust in you, Germaine. I know what the doctors have been doing to you in here and I don't approve of it. I can't let you out of here but I can at least try to make your time here a bit more tolerable." It was weird. She was treating me less like an experiment and more like a human. No one had ever treated me like an actual person in this place before; I had always been regarded as a tool, a thing. The way this woman spoke to me, it made me feel happy._

_She took my hand and asked us to follow her. We walked down the hallways and eventually reached a door marked 'exit'._

_I stared up at glowing red letters, oh how many times they had mocked me before I had a chance burst through the doors. But now, apparently I was going to go outside, I was going to see the sky again._

_Ms. Lili pushed open the door, holding onto my hand loosely and a blast of icy air blew over my body, sending chills down my spine. I forced my eyes shut as a flaccid bright light hit me in the face. Ms. Lili tugged on my arm, urging me forward and I walked blindly into the light._

_In time, my eyes began to focus and get used to the bright light of the sun. I took in my surroundings as soon as I could see, out before me stretched a block of land; dead and dry, sprouting no grass except for a few scattered clumps of gray foliage. Beyond that, no more than a few yards away, was a fence that towered up high before me and was sprinkled with barbed-wire over its top. Watch towers were also set along the wall, all of them manned with guards, snipers. After taking all this in I realized that even if I had made it out the door, those times before when I had tried to escape, I never would have gotten away from this facility, the only thing I would have received would have been a bullet in my skull._

_But all of those thoughts soon disappeared from my mind as I cast my gaze upwards and into the sky. It was a gray day and the sun was clouded over which made the whole surroundings of this building seem dreary and desolate. But I, however, was stricken with an indescribable feeling of awe._

_"Oh," Ms. Lili pouted, "The sun was out earlier this morning, I wonder why it had to cloud up now of all times."_

_I dropped my hand from hers and advanced forward, slowly. I could feel the eyes of Ms. Lili and the guys watching me intently as I proceeded slowly, making sure that I didn't run off. But that wasn't what I intended to do. Some of the most profound feelings were rising up from the depths of my soul, an intense feeling that took over me as I gazed up at the vast, gray sky. The only thing I could remember seeing since I entered this facility was a darkness that grew horribly deep over time. I always wanted to see the sky; I always walked on because I thought that there would be a light at the end of this tunnel, but after a while I gave up hope of seeing the sky. But now I could see it, a space larger than anything I could comprehend, a plain of cloud that hovered over my head like a blanket, this was the sky…_

_Thunder echoed, and a gap opened up in the clouds. A beam of bright sunlight burst through the gap in the sky and hit the dead ground, right where I was standing. A smile spread on my lips as I felt the warmth of the sun wash over me. I spread my arms out wide, as if I was flying, and the wind picked up and blew by me sending my hair flying and my dress rippling in waves over my body._

_I had never felt so alive before, so aware of my mind. All sorts of feelings were shooting through me, all of which I have no description for. Happy, I felt happy. For the first time in ages I had been happy to be alive. My smile widened as more gaps broke through the clouds and the sun beat down through the gray skies. Another rumble of thunder boomed in the sky and rain began to fall through the light. I heard some complaints about the rain from Ms. Lili and the guys but it only made me happier. I began to laugh, quietly at first, and soon I was laughing like a lunatic. Shani, Orga and Clotho gave me a quizzical look which they then shared with each other. Ms. Lili was smiling at me, in bringing me outside she had wanted to make me happy and she had done just that._

_Tears fell down my face and merged with the water from the skies, which poured through the sun. Even a rainbow soon formed which brought out happiness which I had never known. I had never seen a real rainbow before, you see. I laughed again and fell down to the ground, placing my palms flat on the muddied earth and feeling it breathe. _

_"I think it's time we head back inside now, before we get soaked," Ms. Lili said trying to cover herself from the falling rain._

_A feeling of fear broke through the joy, was I going to be shut back into that dark and lonely room?_

_"Germaine, I've made arrangements for you and these three boys to share a room together," Ms. Lili called out to me._

_"What!" Clotho shouted, not being particularly thrilled for having to share a room with a girl that he thought was insane._

_"Come now, don't act so disappointed. In the near future, the four of you will be fighting side by side in our military's new mobile suits," Ms. Lili said, "I figure the four of you should get acquainted now."_

_"Is that okay with you, Germaine?" I turned around to face Ms. Lili. I was soaked and my hair and dress were sticking to me. But, I looked alive, I felt alive. It almost felt as if I had been awakened. Sharing a room with the three of them didn't bother me at all but since I was filled with such intense feelings of joy I couldn't even find the words to answer. I smiled at them, a huge, innocent smile which represented the joy I felt so completely._

_"I guess that means yes," Ms. Lili said smiling at me._

_That woman is dead now. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for what she did for me. In the times I spent in that facility, Ms. Lili was the closest thing I ever had to a mother. I loved her; she was an extremely important person in my life. I've always held onto the happiness that woman showed me and I'll never forget the feelings I felt that day when she first brought me outside. I make it a priority to never forget why I continue to live, through all the pain and the blood; I continue to live on because she showed me why this world is worth living for. If I die in this world it would mean defeat. I don't want to let down the important people I've met by dying. I will continue to live even if I am nothing more than a human machine. Even if my heart is filled with pain, I will continue to live on._

Chapter 5

**Treasure Me**

It was raining and I was already soaked through to the bones. I was beginning to wonder why I had come out here in the first place and why I couldn't take my eyes off of the sky. I felt just as the weather showed, I felt gloomy and dreary, was that why I had decided to come out here and stand in the rain for no real reason at all? Yeah, probably.

After the fight at Orb, and the absolute destruction of the nation, we had been taken to an Earth Forces military base in Victoria which had been recently recaptured by the Alliance. We were going to be sent out in space, following the trail of those two machines, the red and white ones, and the two warships that we had seen escaping Orb in the final battle. The head injury I had been dealt in the last battle wasn't serious at all, just a little bump, so I would be going too. The thing is, I had never been up into space before and I couldn't help feeling a little nervous about that, but the feelings of sadness I was experiencing far outweighed the nervousness in my gut. I was caught up in a feeling of the 'rainy day blahs'. At first I tried to get the feeling out through drawing, but the images I scrawled down ended up looking strange and foreign, there was a huge art block in my head right now… maybe because of the bump… After that I had walked aimlessly through the halls for a while, for hours maybe, there were no clocks around and time passed by like a blur so I don't know how long I was walking for before I caught sight of the weather outside. As soon as I saw it raining I felt like standing out there and looking at the sky, for some unidentifiable reason; even if that meant getting soaked. And so that's what I did, and that's what I've been doing, although, sadly enough the empty feeling in my chest has yet to be filled.

I caught a sudden movement out of the corner of my eye but failed to react to it, it took me a minute to realize that someone was approaching me. As they came closer I realized that this person was Shani. The rain pelting down on him had already seeped deep into his clothes; dampening his hair and making it stick to his face. Once he reached me he simply stared, I didn't acknowledge him, I just kept my eyes cast upwards on the deep, dark sky. I didn't feeling like talking; let alone bringing about the effort to start up a conversation. A soft boom of thunder echoed distantly through the clouds.

"What are you doing?" He asked eventually.

I didn't respond. I found the answer to his question to be pretty self evident, I was standing in the rain getting soaked of course. But I wondered why he had ventured out here to come and talk to me, why did he want to do that? He stood there, continuing to stare at me as he waited for an answer, as if I was going to give him one. We stood there for a few sparing moments before I decided to talk to him, but it wasn't in response to his question. There was something that I felt I needed to ask him, even if I didn't know why yet.

"Shani, what do you dream about when you're sleeping?" I asked him, my voice sounding distant and absent-minded. He didn't respond and I turned to look at him, since I was expecting an immediate answer I found it strange when I heard no response from him. I saw his face for a fleeting moment before he walked up to me and pushed me, I toppled onto the ground. I crashed down into a puddle of mud and water. I sat there for a second, trying to figure out what happened before I lashed out in rage.

I pulled myself up and shouted, "What the fuck was that for!"

He stared at me stupidly before I reached down, grabbed a handful of mud and whipped it right at his face. It hit dead center and his head jerked back from the impact. He stood there for a moment before reaching up and wiping away the mud. He frowned and threw his own clump of mud at me in retaliation. I managed to jump out of the way but unfortunately slipped and fell on the wet ground and fell face first in a pile of mud. When I pulled my face out of the muck I heard Shani laughing. That alone would be enough to freak me out, if I hadn't been so angry. Shani, hardly ever laughs, and when he does it's always more of a malicious, dark laugh, usually brought about once he's killed someone, he gets joy in that for some reason, but so do I. But since I was so angry I reacted in the following manner:

"You think that's funny do you!" I practically shrieked and lunged at him, chucking him onto the ground and holding him down. I planned on disconnecting his face from his head but the second I lay eyes on his face the anger suddenly vanished.

There we both were, sitting in the rain, soaked and covered in mud. I was over top of him, holding him down but I couldn't feel angry anymore. Shani looked up at me in the same way; his face blotched with mud and dirt, his hair sticking to his face. We both looked at each other for a long while. I suddenly felt a yearning for him. All I wanted at that point was to embrace him or kiss him or... well, maybe I shouldn't describe further than that. Shani sat up, taking me with him and I fell into his arms. He embraced me securely and I felt the heat of his body merge with mine. I sighed, feeling suddenly safe and happy as I held him back. I wasn't startled or surprised about this sudden kind gesture from Shani, even though I should have being baffled. Shani isn't the type of person to show kind emotions; well he hardly shows any emotions for that matter. But I knew exactly how he felt. He was just like me, someone who had been forsaken by the world and turned into a mere tool for war. I knew what it was like to be all alone, and he knew that just as well as I did.

We slowly broke the embrace and we sat there, staring at each other through the rain and through the mud.

"What are you retards doing?"

Both of our heads shot for the door, which was not too far away. Orga was standing there with the door open, inside of the building out of the rain. He was looking at the both of us as if we had lost our minds. I don't blame him; we must have looked ridiculous just sitting there in the rain covered in mud. I was about to answer him but I realized I didn't know what to say.

"...duhhh," I said stupidly, trying to think of what to tell him.

"Never mind!" He raised his hands in defeat, "I don't wanna know!"

I blushed quickly before Shani slowly stood up, pulling me up with him as we made for the door. We reached Orga and he stared down at me. He gently put his hand on the top of my head, which was completely soaked.

"You better take it easy, you're heads still hurt, isn't it?" He asked gently.

I was happy that he was worried about my well being, "Its better," I said to him. He didn't look convinced but didn't question any further.

I sneezed loudly, which caused Orga to reel back comically, Shani just stood there unimportantly. I swear though, I'm louder than an air horn when I sneeze.

"Sorry," I murmured rubbing my nose.

"You better go clean yourself off, you're filthy," Orga said rubbing some mud off my cheek.

I blushed, "Yeah, okay," I answered quickly and took off back towards my room. I ran into Clotho along the way who gave me the same look that Orga had, the confused one that is. Which is completely understandable considering how I was soaked through and covered with mud.

"Were you outside?" He asked, walking alongside me.

I nodded. He seemed to become even more confused.

"Why? It's pouring outside," He said turning his head to look out the window, the rain still fell.

I was going to answer him but quickly stopped myself so as to put more thought into my answer. Clotho seemed impatient once I didn't give him an immediate response, he's like that though.

"I felt like, I couldn't feel. But now I think... I'll be okay," I said softly.

Clotho looked at me, not seeming confused by my answer; I even got the feeling that he understood what I meant. I smiled up at him and thanked him quickly before retreating into my room. I needed a bath. I was filthy.

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Happy Valentines Day, y'all~!


	6. Gold Luck

~Presenting Under My Control Chapter Six (Final Installment of **PART ONE**)

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. However, characters like Germaine and Miss Lili, came from my head and thus they belong to me.

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_I had spent about a week or so sharing a room with the three boys; Shani, Orga and Clotho. We hadn't really conversed much but that didn't bug me. Even though the four of us didn't talk much I felt that we were all connected through the experiences and woes that we had. We had all been forsaken by the world and even though we didn't show it outwardly deep down inside we cared about each other a lot. We resided in a plain, white room. It had two bunk beds against the left and right walls of the room, Shani and Orga were sharing a bunk and they made me bunk with Clotho. When I first moved in he had informed me that the top bunk was 'his only' and that I was never allowed to be up there. That didn't bother me all too much since I'm personally fonder of the bottom bunk._

_The deep depression that I had felt while in isolation had lifted considerably. Sure, I was still bummed out about just being nothing more than an experiment in this facility but my view on life had improved dramatically ever since Ms. Lili had taken me outside. Ms. Lili would visit us a few times each day to check on how we were doing. She had come considerably close to me; I'm not sure how Shani and the rest felt about her but to me she was like a mother. She was one of the few people that I would let into my thoughts and feelings._

_Each day went by mechanically; there was a set schedule on what the four of us would be doing each day. Some days it would be mobile suit combat simulation training and other days it would be physical combat training, wherein they would take a bunch of us and shut us in a room and see which one could kill everyone before time ran out. I had killed many other people while spending my time here but Ms. Lili made a point to keep my physical combat training to a minimum. Not like I had a problem with it anyway. I never lost at combat training._

_Right now, the four of us weren't doing anything. Shani was sleeping, listening to his music on the top bunk, Orga, right below him sat reading. I could hear Clotho, on the bunk above me, with his loud annoying game. However I did not have any sort of trademark activity to do, so I just lay on the bed, gently tugging on the thick metal collar that was wrapped around my neck, it was fastened there to assure that I didn't escape. It was like a tracking device, if I ran off they would always be able to locate me as long as that collar was there._

_Ms. Lili came into the room, a few moments later. I sat up on my bed and watched as she walked over to me. She greeted me as usual and made some small talk. I gave her short and simple answers and didn't usually elaborate. I'm not too fond of conversation. Being locked up in isolation for so long had also destroyed my social skills. While I sat in that room I was slowly crawling deeper and deeper into my shell, locking my emotions up and detaching myself from human contact. Since being removed from that awful place I had slowly, but surely, had begun to come out of my shell but the scars would always be there._

_"Oh!" Ms. Lili gasped suddenly, "I have something for you, Germaine!"_

_I looked at her confusedly, she told me to close my eyes. I listened to her, figuring that I might as well go along with it. I felt her place something into my hands, something rectangular. I couldn't tell what it was by its shape; I guessed it was some sort of book. I opened my eyes and saw that she had set a sketch book in my hands. I stared at it dumbly for a few seconds before peeling the book open and flipping through the empty pages._

_"I heard that you like to draw so I thought that I'd go bring you this," Ms. Lili watched me closely, looking in my eyes for a reaction; an indication if I liked the gift or not._

_After staring at the book for a few more minutes I asked, "What am I supposed to do with it?"_

_Ms. Lili giggled, "You're supposed to draw in it," She offered me a pencil._

_"...Draw what?" I asked, taking the pencil._

_"You can draw whatever you want to," She said, smiling at me._

_She made sure that I was okay and left. Once she was gone I continued to stare at the sketch book she had given me. I looked at it for a long time, staring at it absently._

_"Are you gonna draw in that thing or just look at it all day?" Orga's voice snapped me out of my daze. My head shot up and I looked at him in bewilderment._

_"Oh...uhh, okay," I opened up the book and stared at the first blank page. What should I draw? I thought about it for a while. Since lying in front of me was my blank canvas. There is no limit to what I could create on this sheet of white, simply by touching my pencil to the paper. A pang of remembrance ran though me. I remembered my time not so long ago when I had been isolated in that dark room. It was nearly over a month ago but it seemed like years had gone by since then. I remembered the helmet they placed on my head, a slate of featureless gray. I remembered the cold needle piercing deep into my skin when they would inject food into me or administer my drug. I remembered my emaciated body, caused by severe malnutrition and despair. My physical state had improved since that time, I had gained quite a few pounds but despite all that I was still underweight, the mental scars that time left me would take years to heal, if ever._

_I put my pencil to the paper and began to draw._

Chapter 6

**Gold Luck**

After I had docked my mobile suit I boarded the shuttle which would be taking us up into space. We were headed for the moon base, I didn't know what was going to happen after that. I scanned the shuttle for a place to sit. I kind of wanted a window seat since I had never been in space before and I wanted to get a good view of the takeoff and the stars which lay beyond that. I quickly spotted a vacant seat, which happened to be right beside Shani and walked to it quickly. I sat down and gave him a small smile which he didn't return but that didn't bother me since I wasn't really expecting a response anyway.

I stared out the window at the distantly setting sun and was put at ease. The sight of that slowly fading orange ball of light seemed to put me in an eerily calm mood, I loved sunsets. As I stared out at it, I cut out the sounds of the people around me, I cut out their chatter and the movements of their bodies, all I could really notice at that point was Shani's music blaring beside me, he sure has it cranked; how is he not even deaf by this point? The ship finally began to rumble to life after the sun had just dipped under the horizon. I wondered if I would ever come back to this planet, I was leaving now for more battles and horrors, but I wondered, would I survive it all?

"All passengers please fasten your seatbelts and prepare for lift-off"

A feeling of nervousness began to build in my stomach as I fastened by seatbelt right after Shani had done the same beside me. I guess this feeling of anxiousness was reasonable, I mean I had never been in space before and when people go through something for the first time it is only natural to be a little scared. I'm glad that the nervous fear I felt fluttering in my stomach wasn't extremely evident, since I'm pretty good at composing my inner feelings and hiding how I really feel, but is that something to brag about?

I felt the shuttle began to move forward. A shaking began to build in the enclosure where we were seated as the shuttle sped down the run away. I clenched my teeth behind closed lips as it felt like everything inside of my body was being tossed and turned around. Shani looked disgruntled behind me, obviously feeling the same way. I felt myself sink back into my seat, drawn back by the heavy forward pull of the shuttle, we curved upward and I experienced a sensation like butterflies fluttering around like mad in my stomach. We went up and up and up until the shuttle finally broke through the earth's atmosphere and drifted out into space.

We had entered the void.

The rumbling ceased, and the ship steadied itself. The pressure of gravity had been lifted off us and I felt strange. This space environment would take some getting used to. I suddenly turned my gaze out the window, wondering what I would see. I gasped when I saw what was lying below me.

"Whoa..." I gasped out breathlessly, I could see the earth through the window's glass . It was a massive orb of blue landscape with swirls of white entwined around it. The clouds, like visible whirlpools of ivory covered the deep, vast blue of the ocean which encompassed the sphere. The earth looked so small from here, so distant. It was almost hard to believe that just a moment ago I had just been one small speck on that planet. And even now, as I looked down on it, there was life on that world. There were so many people down there that I couldn't see with my eyes, but I knew they were there. They were all living on that world, oblivious to my watching eye. Seeing the earth in this way brought out more feelings from the depths of my soul. I felt so small. I almost felt like crying. Suddenly, I thought of Shani. He was sitting right beside me and all I wanted to do at that point was to share this feeling with him.

I turned around viciously and blurted, "Shani! Look out the window!" I had meant to ask him more calmly but my words came out as more of a demand than anything, I was sure that he had heard them over his music.

He gave me a look which showed that he thought I was crazy, I'm not though, I just have difficulties getting my words across to people. He listened to me, probably fearing for his life, and leaned over me, trying to see out the window. I knew that he saw the planet the second he gazed out of the glass; I could see the blue globe reflected in his one visible eye. Sadly, he only looked at it for a second before sinking back into his seat.

"So what?" He murmured lazily. I couldn't believe his response.

"What do you mean 'so what?' We live on that world down there you know! Doesn't it affect you at all seeing it this way?" I asked him.

He paused for a moment, as if thinking, "No," He answered back almost too quickly.

All I wanted to do at that point as clock him in the face. I can't manage my anger well. Just because Shani didn't feel the same way as I did, when gazing down at our world, doesn't mean that he needs to be socked in the face, though I found it strange that he doesn't feel ANYTHING while gazing at a sight like that.

Before I could make any hostile moves towards Shani I noticed Orga sitting a few rows across from us. He was giving me a hard glare that said 'don't do it!' I guess he had been watching the whole time. I looked at him stupidly before sitting up in my seat and peaking over the back of it. I could see Azrael a few rows behind us. He was looking smug and content, sitting with some other highly ranked Earth Forces officers. I realized that I better not do anything stupid. I sat back down in my seat and stared in front of me.

I felt suddenly sad. I felt like I would never get to set foot on our planet again. I felt like I was drifting away from life, from my memories. I grew up on that globe. I had seen so many things, felt so much. I had laughed there, and cried there, my tears had fallen down on the earth. On that globe, I had been turned into a human machine, I had seen the sun.

Now it felt like I would never get to see the sky again. I knew, subconsciously at that point, that I was never going back. I was never going back to our world. I was going to die, in the vast emptiness that stretched out before me. The void would consume me and I was going to die in the stars.

.

.

**PART ONE END**

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**Hope you folks had fun reading, also if you'd like to review Part One in it's entirety, just drop a review by here.

Look forward to part two~


	7. Can't Go Back

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine and Aubrae, came from my head and thus they belong to me.

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We sit atop our high pedestals looking down on the world

We are the angels of death

We clasp weapons in our blood smeared hands

The weapons we hold onto so tightly are woven out of our own flesh

We are afraid

We are so very afraid of the world below

The people down there... aren't like us

They've manufactured us

They've built us up only to watch us fall down

Collapse

And when we have fallen

They will drown in the ocean of blood we have created.

Verdugo

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**PART TWO START**

***Shards of Dreams***

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_If you were to ask someone if they remembered anything about what they saw when they were an infant most people would say no. Most people have no recollection of their years of infancy, since a baby's brain has not developed enough at the time for memories to be stored for the long-term, that's why most of us don't remember. Most people say "I have forgotten," But I don't think people can really forget. I believe memory is something absolute, that the things we see, feel and hear never really disappear; they are just locked away in the depths of our subconscious mind. Most things we won't remember, but just because we can't remember it doesn't mean that the memory is entirely lost._

_If you were to ask me if I remembered anything of my early childhood then I would have to answer no. I can't remember what I saw when I was only a baby. How on earth could I remember my life that long ago? However, there is one thing that I can remember from that time. My mother._

_From what I knew, she was an extremely kind person. She died when I was very young, and if I were to have any memories of her they would be from when I was just a baby. It's sad that I can't remember her; she had already died before I was able to remember defined moments of my life. I do remember one thing though; it is a fleeting memory which rose up from the depths of my mind one night while I slept._

_In this memory/dream I was just a small baby being cradled in my mother's arms. She looked down at me and smiled as I raised my tiny hands up to her, reaching for her. I was basking in a warm light as she held me. A warm, gentle breeze blows and I could hear birds singing. I was consumed by tranquility._

_"Germaine," Her voice was peaceful and soft; it put me at ease just hearing her speak. "I hope you live a long, happy life, my sweet Germaine."_

_I clung to her tightly feeling the warmth of her body resonate with mine. I could hear her heart thrumming softly in her chest; I let the rhythm soothe me. At this instance in time, I had no cares or worries, no woes or misfortunes, I was at peace. This is the only time I can remember being truly happy. _

_I could see her reaching her arms out to me and I ran for her as fast as my little legs could take me._

_"Live a long, happy life Germaine. Give your love to the people dear to you," Her image started to fade. The warmth of her body grew cold and the birds' ceased their song._

_"I hope you find happiness, Germaine," The sky grew dark and her image abruptly shattered. I remember falling down hard into the dirt. I looked around, my mind muddled and confused. I was scared._

_I could hear a baby crying out, wordlessly. It wailed out endlessly as no one came for it's aid._

_It's unfortunate, really, that the hopes and desires my mother had for me died along with her body. My life will be a short, unfortunate mistake. Feelings of bitterness and hatred will fester in my body; the feeling will grow the more lives I take, until the point where I drown in this sea of twisted metal._

_"I love you Germaine."_

_

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_

Chapter Seven

**Can't go back**

"X-545, launch!" My machine rose, gently, swiftly out of the hangar and overtop of the moon. The white, mountainous surface lay stretched out before me. I stood there hovering in space for a moment before advancing forward slowly over the white globe. The four of us drifted out and approached the Alliance's new warship; Dominion.

The frame of the Dominion was familiar to me, I remembered that it looked just like that white warship I had seen in Orb, the only thing that really differed about this ship was its colour, the Dominion was a malevolent black, very different from the vibrant white ship I had seen shooting through the sky in Orb.

Shani, Orga, Clotho and I followed the shuttle Azrael was on into the ship and docked our machines in the hangar. We had been at the moon base for about a week now. Preparations were being made to pursue those two machines we had battled in Orb, the red and white ones. For some reason or another Azrael was extremely interested in getting his hands on those them. I could understand why, when I battled the red and white mobile suits I felt something strange about them, something abnormal. There was an ominous feeling which enveloped the being of those two machines, an air of restlessness and almost a certain feeling which made it seem like something big was going to happen, and soon. I didn't know what the future was, so I continued forward, ignorant of the unknown, with my head held high.

Once we had finished docking our machines we drifted out of the hangar and on board the ship. We had been told to meet Azrael up on the bridge. I would have preferred it if I could just go and draw for a little while instead of presenting myself to the bridge crew and the captain of course. I guess all in all it didn't really matter since I was vaguely interested in seeing who the captain of the Dominion was.

The four of us took the elevator up and walked into the bridge. The second I walked through the doors I looked around curiously taking in all the sights. There were various people working at their stations not paying any mind to our entrance, and standing right in front of us was Azrael and some other Earth Forces officer I didn't know. They were talking to a woman with short black hair. Logic lead me to believe that she was the captain of the Dominion, and after listening to their conversation for a bit longer I found that to be true. She had short, black, raven coloured hair which was mostly covered by her captain's hat; she had sharp, defined features, a strict look and light purple lipstick along her bottom lip. The captain stared the four of us, looking slightly shocked at how young we were. Her eyes lingered on me the longest, she must have been fairly taken back upon seeing a female standing among the pilots. I'm sure at the time I was one of the few, if not the only, female pilot in the entirety of the forces.

Azrael followed her gaze and gave us a devious, almost malevolent smirk. I matched his gaze, staring at him unblinkingly.

The other Earth forces officer glanced at us as well, "These are the pilots of the four new machines," He said introducing us namelessly.

"They will be assisting in the mission of terminating the Archangel and capturing the two unknown mobile suits."

The captain's eyes widened in shock, "The Archangel?" She echoed.

"That's the one!" Azrael piped in, "You know of it?"

"Captain Badgiruel was the former vice-captain of the Archangel," The officer said.

"Hah! That's ironic," Azrael mused, "I hope you won't have any problems in shooting that ship down, Miss Captain."

The Captain composed herself and responded quickly, "Of course not sir."

If her heart was in turmoil she didn't show it outwardly. I could tell that she was a strong woman. I wondered what it must feel like, to fight against the people you once called your friends, it was the only thing I could think about as the four of us headed to our designated room. I couldn't put myself in the captain's position at the time since I didn't have any friends. What about Shani and the rest? Well they're more like acquaintances than friends. I had never really fared well in social situations and I had never really had any friends, even when I was small.

Once we entered the room they wanted us to stay in I noticed that it was the pilot's changing room. The room in which pilot's would suit up before heading out to battle. All they had done to liven up the place was throw a few couches in here and there.

I stood at the doorway dumbly for a minute thinking [They honestly just want us to stay here all the time? I'm not even gonna get my own room?]

I got over my disappointment quickly and threw off my pilots' suit. Shani, Orga and Clotho had already settled themselves around the room, absorbing themselves in their activities. I found my sketchbook in my locker and pulled it out with a smile. I took a seat on a vacant couch and began to flip through my book. After turning a few pages I realized I wasn't really in the mood for drawing pictures. I sat there for a moment before my eyes drifted over to the door.

[I wonder if it's locked.] I slid my sketch book under the couch and floated over to the door [zero-gravity is awesome].

"What are you doing?" I heard Orga ask. I turned to look at him as I drifted for the door. I stopped myself on the wall in front of the door and smirked deviously as it opened up.

"I'm gonna explore the ship," I answered him carelessly.

I was about to drift out the door when Orga's voice stopped me, "You'd better not do anything stupid out there Germaine," He looked at me sternly. I could tell that he was worried about me. I knew that they didn't want the four interacting with other crew members but rules were meant to be broken, right?

"Meh," I grunted, and I took off down the hall. After I wandered around for a while I discovered I was lost. After an indiscernible amount of time wandering around the ship I had accidentally burst back into the pilots' room three or four times, Orga and Clotho had given me confused looks since I kept returning back to that room without meaning to over and over again. Well at least I wouldn't have any troubles getting back to them. Other than that this ship was pretty boring, lots of halls and rooms, other than that I had found nothing of interest. I had encountered a few crew members during my travels but they had just ignored me. I didn't have a problem with that; I was used to people giving me the cold shoulder. Even though, deep down I felt kind of depressed that no one would talk to me.

After a while I found myself standing outside of the cafeteria. I stood at the door, wondering if I was hungry or not. I decided on grabbing some grub since I was here and all. A wave of gravity hit me as I stepped through the door, it left me disgruntled for less than a second before I advanced forward. It made sense that they would turn the gravity on in the cafeteria, who wants their food floating away from them while they're eating? There were a few other crew members in the cafeteria, either conversing or eating. I strolled in, grabbed a tray of food and took a seat by myself at one of the tables.

I began shoving the food ravenously into my mouth. I, um, didn't really realize I was eating so violently at the time but, uhh, I was eating my food rather messily. I don't have the best of table manners… It wasn't long before my noisy eating caught the attention of a group of girls a couple tables down. I saw them giving me shady looks and whispering amongst themselves while pointing at me.

I tried to ignore them and focus on my eating. I knew that they must be talking about me and the thought of that began to depress me. It wasn't long before they decided to approach me.

"You might want to keep it down over here," One of them said in a mocking tone, "The cafeteria isn't a pigsty!"

"Although it looks like she belongs in one," The three of them burst out laughing.

I sat there glaring at them, I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Pfft, look at how greasy her hair is," One of them mumbled, "You're just as dirty as a pig too!" more laughs followed.

I grit my teeth and tried my hardest to suppress my anger. If someone had talked to me like that before I had become a biological CPU I would have kicked their teeth in. I was always kind of a fighter who used my fists to get my point across. I know Azrael would look down heavily on any violent interactions with the other crew members. I remembered Orga's words "Don't do anything stupid out there Germaine." I remembered the worried look in his eyes. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't think of the words to use against them, I couldn't use my fists to strike them. I felt powerless; all I could do was sit there and let them shout dagger-like words at me.

Their bullying continued, some other people in the room joined in and laughed along with them. I sat there trying my hardest to suppress the rage but eventually I snapped. I was just about to get up and clock that stupid bitch right in the jaw when I voice cut through the air.

"Stop that!" My head, along with everyone else's shot to the owner of the voice. There was a girl standing at the doorway.

"Leave her alone," She approached us and glared at the girls who had been teasing me. Once she got close I was baffled by her height. She was huge! She must have been at least seven feet tall, I swear, she was like a giant. The mean girls were also shocked by her staggering height.

"Why are you saying such rude things to her?" The girl asked, "Does it give you some sick sense of gratification? Do you enjoy other peoples' misery?"

The mean girls looked at her bitterly before walking off in a huff. The girl watched them go with a disapproved look on her face. When they had left she turned to me and asked, "Are you okay?"

I stared at her dumbly. I didn't know what to say; if I hadn't been so shocked about her height or the fact that she stood up for me than I would have thanked her. For as far back as I can remember no one had ever stood up for me before.

"Oh, I'm sorry," She said quickly before I could clear my mind and answer her, "My name is Aubrae, what's yours?"

"Ah, G-Germaine," I stuttered out.

"That's a nice name," She said kindly, taking a seat across from me. I found the time to look over this girl's features. As I mentioned before, she was freakishly tall, she had milky white hair held back in a tight ponytail with bangs falling around her face. She had choclatey brown skin and icy blue eyes.

"Uhh, thanks," I murmured, blushing at her compliment.

"I'm sorry about those girls but you know, sometimes people are like that," She said softly.

I looked down thoughtfully, "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Aubrae looked at me quizzically for a second before restarting the conversation. "I don't think I've seen you around here before, you're new?"

I looked up at her, "Yeah, I pilot a mobile suit."

"You do?" She gasped, "That's cool! You're probably the only girl pilot I know! You must have worked hard to become a pilot!"

"Yeah," I said softly, there was so much about me that she didn't know. All of the pains I had to go through to be able to fly that damned machine. There was so much people like her were ignorant of. My ability to pilot that Gundam isn't something to be praised for since it's used to kill.

Pushing those thoughts away I decided to try to keep the conversation going, she was the first kind person I had met in a long time. I figured I should be nice to her since she stood up for me and all, "What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm basically a lackey around here. I make sure the ships all stocked up, help transfer the machine parts. Boring things like that," She said smiling faintly. She seemed embarrassed about her job.

I sat there for a minute thinking of what to say, "Your job is important. If there weren't people like you than the ship wouldn't be able to function," I told her in hopes of cheering her up or make her feel more important. I wasn't really sure what I was doing.

She smiled at me, "You're right, I guess every job on this ship is an important one,"

I nodded silently.

"Hey, Germaine?" I looked up at her, "How about you and I be friends?"

I was visibly shocked by her answer. Friends? She wanted to be friends with someone like me! I couldn't remember the last time someone had asked me to be their friend. It felt… nice.

"Oh, u-uhh, sure!" I said trying my best to smile and hope that I sounded enthusiastic. I was happy, meeting someone like her, but I really showed it poorly. Thankfully I think she saw past my outer guise and saw what I really felt inside. She smiled at me kindly, "I'll see you around then?"

"Y-yeah," I watched her leave, right before she disappeared out the door she turned and waved to me. I waved back. After she had gone my mind was buzzing with thought. I had just made a friend. It was a nice feeling. It had also been a long time since I had had a conversation with a girl. I had been around Shani and the rest for so long that I had just gotten so used to boy things. That wasn't really a problem though since I didn't act like much of a girl to begin with but still, the constant burping, farting and yelling that went along with the three of them got on my nerves more than a few times.

I left the cafeteria, still deep in thought. I figured it would be nice to talk to someone other than Shani, Orga and Clotho all the time. Aubrae could be the kind of friend that I would go to if someone had hurt me. I would go to her to tell my secrets, my thoughts, my feelings. I smiled, thinking about how wonderful that would be. She came across as a kind person, like Ms. Lili or like my mother. She didn't seem like a hurtful person and I hoped that she really wasn't one; I hoped that her kindness was not feigned.

Since I was so caught up in my thoughts, I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. I abruptly bumped into someone while turning a corner. I stumbled back in shock but managed not to fall down.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" I looked up to see who I had run into. My body froze in shock once my eyes fell upon them.

He glanced at me quickly; as if to make sure that I wasn't hurt and took off, not waiting for a response. After he had gone I continued to stand there, frozen to the spot. I couldn't believe who I had just run into. So many questions were piling, one over the other in my frantically buzzing mind.

[Is he really who I think he is? Did he recognize me? Why is he here? Does he know about me?]

It just went on like that until I bolted off towards the pilots' room thinking, [I never thought that I'd ever see you again, Luca].

* * *

**Authors Note: **It's true folks, Shani, Orga and Clotho just sit in the pilots' room the whole time between missions. They don't even get their own rooms. Sucks to be them, eh?


	8. Luca

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

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Exports from Germaine's past (i)

**JAIL BIRD**

_A group of leaves jumped upwards and went flying up towards the gray sky above, being carried by the wind. I watched them gleefully. I loved the autumn. The wind blew by with an icy edge which signaled the approaching of winter. I had always been fascinated by nature, and ever since my childhood I was always an outside kind of person. I didn't like being confined indoors, being out in the world made me feel free. The outside world was an escape for me; an escape from the demons that lurked beneath the walls._

_A frown spread across my face. I hesitantly reached for my coat sleeve and pulled it back slowly revealing a dark bruise spread across my forearm. I stared at it as if in a trance. A faint pain still lingered from where I was struck… over the blackened flesh._

_"Hey! Germaine!" I jumped upon hearing his voice. I turned quickly in the direction of the voice and saw a boy running up to me. He had short black hair and piercing violet eyes._

_"So this is where you've been," He said as he approached me, slowing into a walk._

_"Yeah," I murmured quickly. I secretly tried to cover my bruised arm; I didn't want him to see it._

_"Dinner is going to be ready soon... is something wrong with your arm?" He asked._

_[Oh no, he saw it!]_

_"Is it bruised? Germaine, show me!" He asked coming in closer. I could tell he was concerned but I didn't want to burden him with my pain. I didn't want to get him involved in all of this…_

_He stood silent for a moment, "Is... father hitting you again?"_

_I cringed. Just as I had thought, he already knew._

_My father… he wasn't a nice man. He was filthy rich and owned a massive house out on the edge of an industrialized city. I lived there as a child. I had heard that ever since my mother died he had become bitter and hateful. He often drank and kept to himself. I was told that I reminded him of my mother; I looked eerily like her albeit the black hair I had. Whenever I would see him he would gaze at me disdainfully. If I came across him drunk, he would sometimes take his rage out on me._

_I felt myself being embraced, "You know, I'll protect you from him," The boy said._

_I nuzzled against his warmth, "You and I are in this together Germaine, I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore."_

_His ideals sounded wonderful, but at the time we were just kids, what could we do against a rich man like my father? Nothing really, there wasn't anything to be done. Even though we had rebelled against my father's beatings… nothing ever changed. But that was okay because we were together, just the two of us. Back in the days of my childhood he was my only friend, the only person I could trust; the only one I would let in._

_The two of us walked hand in hand back towards our house, we didn't know what the future would bring but we were together and that's all that mattered._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter Eight**

Luca

* * *

I turned a corner and abruptly bumped into someone. I staggered back clumsily but managed to keep my footing and not topple to the ground.

"Oh, I'm sorry are you okay?" I looked up to the person I had bumped into and was stricken with shock. A pair of vibrant violet eyes met my own and pierced deep into me making my body stiffen. I stood there frozen as the boy, without waiting for an answer, continued down the hall. After he had left I stood there still as a stone. I couldn't believe who I had just seen. Never in a million years did I ever think I would see him again. I stood there in turmoil; my mind was buzzing with questions.

[Is that really him? Did he recognize me? Why is he here? Does he know about me?]

After these questions had come and gone the next thought I had was to tell someone. I bolted off to the pilots' room. All I wanted to do at that point was to tell Shani, Orga and Clotho. I ran as fast as I could and burst through the doors of the pilots' room.

"Look who's back," Clotho said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. I immediately turned to Orga.

"Orga!" I practically shrieked. He looked at me uneasily, obviously being alarmed by my frantic state.

"I! I! I was walking! And then! And then I! He just came and! And! He walked right into me! OUT OF NOWHERE!" I blubbered out like a maniac; all sorts of thoughts were pushing their way through my head, all bubbling to the surface. The words came clumsily out of my mouth and I looked like a rambling maniac.

Suddenly, a pillow went flying across the room and hit me right in the face. I stood there, unfazed as it bounced off me. I turned with a glare to where the pillow had come flying from and saw Shani sitting on a couch at the end of the room looking rather pissed at me.

"Shut. Up," He growled. My frantic shouting had obviously just awoken him.

I frowned at him hatefully before stomping towards him menacingly. I was planning to hurt him.

"Germaine! Hold on!" Orga grabbed me quickly, since he knew what I was planning to do. Orga grabbed onto my shoulders and sat me down in front of him.

"Okay, calm down. What happened?" He asked, looking at me directly.

The anger vanished and I was filled with my initial feelings of disbelief.

"I... I think I saw my... brother," The words fell from my lips softly, they didn't seem real. Orga seemed taken back by my response.

"Brother?" He echoed in bewilderment.

"Are you sure it was him?" Clotho asked from across the room, "I mean what are the odds of that? And wouldn't he recognize you?"

I shook my head slowly, "I haven't seen him since I was small… there's no way it was him," I muttered to myself. But I knew in my heart that the man I bumped into was definitely my brother. The room was silent for a minute.

"What are you going to do then?" Clotho asked, floating over to where Orga and I were. Shani was still at his spot on the couch but I could tell he was listening.

"I... I don't know," I muttered absently.

"It might be better if he didn't know," Orga said, "He might react the wrong way if he heard about what's happened to you."

I nodded, still deep in thought. Orga was right. How would my brother react upon hearing I had become a human machine? He obviously wouldn't be thrilled; at least, the boy I knew all those years ago wouldn't have been thrilled. Which brought forth the question, was my brother still the same old boy I remembered from my distant childhood? How much had he changed? One after another the questions kept on piling up in my head.

"I don't know what to do," I said again, my voice filled with faint frustration.

"It's okay," Orga said placing a comforting hand on my shoulder, "just take some time and think it out."

He smiled at me before turning back to his reading. Clotho also went back to his game. This didn't bother me; I needed the time to think. I walked over to my couch and pulled out my sketch book from where I had left it. I opened up the book and began to draw.

My pencil danced across the page as the face of a person began to mould onto the paper, the features growing ever clearer with each stroke. Should I confront my brother? Truthfully, I really wanted to talk to him. We were close as children he was my only friend and protector, it seemed painfully cold to just disregard him. But what if it really isn't him? That was undebateable; I knew in my heart that that man was my brother. How will he react upon hearing about what I have become? Was he still the same boy I remembered from my childhood, the kind face that always protected me from the pain and cleaned up the blood? How much had he changed?

I sighed heavily, rubbing my forehead. There was just so much that I didn't know, there were so many uncertainties, so many things could go wrong. I came to the conclusion that it would be easier if I just forgot he existed. Yes, nothing will change if I just forget about him, making him aware of my existence could be too risky. It wasn't worth it. I eventually decided to forget about my brother and move on with my life, staring down at my finished sketch I saw the face of the boy I had bumped into just a few hours ago. He was walking around the ship somewhere, right at this moment, completely oblivious to my existence. Things will stay this way.

The door opened and Aubrae walked in. The second she walked through the door all eyes shot to her, the looks of Shani, Orga and Clotho were priceless. They looked utterly baffled by her height and they were clueless about why she had shown up here.

"Hello Germaine!" She called out to me cheerily.

I looked up at her and smiled faintly, Aubrae's cheery expression faded instantly once she saw my face. She knew something was wrong the second she saw me.

"What's wrong Germaine?" She asked as she walked over. She sat down on the table in front of me and stared straight into my face.

I was surprised about how she knew how troubled I was. Just by looking at me she saw how troubled and worried I was and I hardly even knew the girl. I figured she must be really good at reading people either that or I was doing a terrible job at hiding my emotions.

"I met my brother," I told her, closing my sketch book and setting it on my lap. I wanted to tell Aubrae about my brother because I figured she might be able to offer some helpful advice, she seemed like the kind of person for something like that.

"Your brother is on this ship?" She asked, sounding surprised, "Why aren't you with him now?"

I shook my head, "I haven't seen him since I was small. He didn't recognize me when I ran into him and for all he knows I am dead,"

Aubrae frowned as if in thought.

"Who are you?" I heard Clotho ask from across the room. He was staring at the two of us confusedly, not like he was the only one.

"I'm Germaine's new friend," Aubrae answered him quickly, giving him a look that seemed like she didn't even know he was in the room.

She faced me again, "Can you take me to him?"

I looked up at her in surprise. It took me a minute to answer her since I really wasn't sure if she was serious.

"I... I don't even know where he is," I said haltingly.

"That's okay!" She said taking my hand and pulling me up, "We'll look together". She pulled me unresistingly to the door, "I'm really interested in seeing who this guy is,"

We were just about to leave when I heard Orga speak, "Where are you going?" At first I thought he was talking to me but once I noticed Clotho standing behind me and realized that he was addressing the red-head.

"I'm not missing this for the world," He responded. Just then Shani made his way over from the far side of the room and joined us at the door.

"You too Shani?" Orga questioned. Shani just stared at him unblinkingly; I guess that was the only answer he was willing to give.

"You should come too," Aubrae offered. Orga stared at her for a minute before throwing down his book and meeting us at the door. Then we set out.

We walked around the ship for a while searching aimlessly for my long lost brother. The trek the five of us made seemed familiar to me. This reminded me of the time Ms. Lili had removed me from my isolation and brought me outside. I remember her leading me through the halls of that terrible place as the four of us followed, just as Aubrae was doing now. The circumstances were different and many things had changed but I still felt a strong feeling of déjà vu. I wondered what I would find at the end of this search.

We continued on aimlessly for a while before Clotho broke the silence, "Where are we going anyway? Do we even have any idea where this guy is?"

"I figure we should check the cafeteria first, and then maybe move on to the hangar, there's a chance that he might be a mechanic," Aubrae responded while leading us on.

"Well what if he's in the shower or something?" I asked quietly. "That means we're wasting our time," Clotho grunted back.

"Don't worry guys! We're going to find him!" Aubrae said, sounding determined. I wondered why she was so adamant about bringing me to see my brother; what was there for her to gain?

Our pace became slower as we walked, taking in all the sights of the ship; looking out the windows to see the distant stars drifting by outside. I guessed that we had left the moon base a couple hours ago. I strolled lazily down the hall unintentionally taking the lead. I turned a corner and stopped dead in my tracks. My brother was standing at the end of the hall.

[HOLY SHIT!] I shrieked in my head, diving back behind the corner I had just come from. Clotho noticed my panicked state and approached me wearily, "What's going on?"

"He's down there...!" I hissed through clenched teeth. He looked at me uneasily before peeking around the corner. Sure enough my brother was standing down the hall, deep in conversation with another crew member. My brother was holding a clipboard and they seemed to be discussing the contents of the papers on it.

"Well what d'ya know," Clotho said, keeping his gaze locked at the figures down the hall.

"You found him?" Aubrae asked peeking around the corner, soon followed by Shani and Orga.

"Huh. He looks like you," She said thoughtfully.

"How can you even tell from this far away?" Clotho asked.

"They do have the same hair colour," Orga mumbled.

Shani grunted in agreement. I stood, pressed against the wall as if trying to hide myself as the four of them watched my brother, like creeps, from around the corner. After they had got their fill of staring at him Aubrae turned to me.

"Well? Aren't you going to say hello to him?"

I looked up at her, "No. Talking to him would only complicate things. It'll just be simpler if he never knew I was here."

A pause. Shani, Clotho and Orga had turned to look at us. I was about to turn and leave when Aubrae's voice stopped me.

"Are you really satisfied with that?" Her voice was serious and direct. I turned to her in shock. Was I really okay with just turning my back on my brother? Was it really alright to just forget about him? Could I really be okay with that? That boy just down the hall had saved my life countless times; he had protected me from my abusive father and stood beside me through my early years. Aubrae could see my uncertainty and she spoke the words for me.

"Fate must have thrown the two of you together for a reason. I'm sure no matter what you are now… your brother still loves you Germaine."

I stared at her with wild eyes as her lips spoke the words I was looking for.

"Run to him, Germaine."

That was all the prompting that was needed. I took off, like a horse at the race gates, and went to join my long lost brother.

[Run!]

I bolted around the corner and dashed forward. I could see him walking down there with his back towards me, the crewmember that was once with him had already left.

"Luca!" His name blasted from my throat cutting through the air like a hot knife. He stopped abruptly and slowly turned to face me. I could see the look of confusion written all over his features as I approached. As I drew nearer and nearer I could pick up on the features of his face. His looks had changed, he had become older and his looks had turned more mature but I could still recognize the face of my brother. It was true; he had looks just like a man. Deep black hair and sharp violet eyes, defined cheek bones, a softly rounded nose all of it was just the same.

"Yes? Can I help you?" he stared down at me as I came to a stop in front of his body. I could tell by the confusion still clearly shown in his eyes that he didn't recognize who I was. Had he forgotten me?

"It really has... been a long time," I murmured thoughtfully. He seemed to grow even more confused.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" The kindness had dropped from his voice. I looked up at him, letting my eyes lock into his.

"Do you really not remember who I am?" He froze as his eyes grew wide. Something had clicked.

The words came clumsily passed his lips, "G-Germaine?" He looked me over in bewilderment and disbelief and all I could do was smile. I didn't know what to say but I felt happy. Time itself seemed to stand still. Neither of us knew what to say or do at that point but the uncertainty in our hearts had vanished. The only question was what to do now. The two of us had just been reunited after so many years apart so many things had happened to the two of us that we didn't know. Where on earth should I begin to explain these things to him? Does he even need to know all the things that have happened? How will he feel about them? There were so many questions buzzing around in my mind as I stared into the familiar eyes of my older brother.

Cutting through the stillness of the moment, an announcement rang clear over the P.A.

"All hands prepare for battle. All pilots board their machines immediately!" I stared with disdain at the ceiling wishing that I had misheard or imagined the order.

"Germaine!" I heard Orga call out to me. I turned around instantly upon hearing his voice. He stood waiting for me at the end of the hall as Shani and Clotho took off behind him, "Come on, we gotta go."

I immediately obeyed him. I was just about to follow after them when Luca's voice stopped me.

"Wait a minute!" I turned back to look at him, his face was filled with confusion and fret. I understood how he felt and I smiled at him weakly.

"Later... okay?" And with that I took off down the hall and down to the hanger. I just hoped that there would be a later.

* * *

Listen to **Luca **by Brand New


	9. Death Strong

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

* * *

What is a being that does not know fear? Is there such a condition that exists wherein an intense, primordial feeling like fear is artificially extracted from a living being for malevolent causes? Fear is inarguably a powerful emotion. When we are in the state of utter terror, where we can feel the clench of death around our throats, we are at the mercy of our god. Fear is an emotion which drives the bearer into submission; it makes people do crazy and shocking things. People are willing to do anything to keep hold of their lives while fear dictates their actions.

Wouldn't it be simpler if this emotion could be removed or torn out?

I don't live the same lives as Shani, Orga or Clotho, and I haven't experienced the same terrors as they have, I have not endured the fate handed down upon them. Even though the four of us are loosely tied together by the term 'biological CPU' the development into that term has varied between us. We were all enhanced separately. I am even more so detached from them in the fact that I am under submission of the drug Gamma Rhypepthin. I was conditioned for the hellish withdrawal which my drug has incorporated in me. Those boys are different from me. They are tied by the nous of Gamma Glipheptin; their conditioning was worlds apart from mine.

They told me about it only once, they said that the doctors had implanted chips inside of their heads which nullifies the feeling of fear. There was no way that something like fear could be permanently erased from someone's emotions, fear is something absolute, but doing something to dull that feeling was most certainly possible. I wasn't aware of the extent of what that chip could do until I, one day, stumbled upon their combat training.

Ms. Lili had taken me to see Orga, Shani and Clotho fighting in what they would call 'the pit'. All three of them were sectioned off separately and told to fight the obstacles thrown at them. Those obstacles just happened to be human beings; other children in the facility. I watched the three of them as they plowed down all the obstacles in their way, slitting the throats of the people around them without the slightest trace of emotion in their eyes. I watched in wonder as they stared down gun barrels shoved in their faces and pulled down on their own triggers before the guns of their enemies had time to fire. I watched them beat in the faces of people just like them; I watched them beat them all into bloodied corpses of flesh. They tore off limbs in that room, gouged out eyes and crushed bones all without any indication of fear. They seemed detached and mechanic. The term human machine seemed better suited on them.

My combat training was never as brutal as this, I took a gun and shot bullets into the heads of my enemies, I took knives and slashed their throats. I was never in the position where I had to kill a man by tearing out his throat with my bare hands; I would never have to beat him down until his body was deemed lifeless. I had to point and shoot opposed to hunt and destroy.

After the carnage was over and the three of them left the pit I saw Orga look up at me. His face was coated in blood and his eyes shined with malice. But there was no fear; there was no sadness, just anger. My heart ached for them that day, my heart wept with pity for what this world had done to them… for what it had changed them into. I matched his gaze with the words that said "I'm sorry." At that point I realized they were no longer deemed as human beings, they had become something else, some kind of weapon. They had fallen down to the point of simply being regarded as a human machine, a weapon without fear which is fueled by the drive to kill. I had fallen down there with them. I looked at them with looks of pity and regret. I know that they look at me the same way when I'm crawling through a pool of my own blood.

* * *

Exports from Germaine's past (ii)

**Memory bloodstain**

_The house that my father owned was massive which wasn't surprising considering how filthy rich he was. My father was always the type of man who would spoil his children, not to make them happy but to occupy them. I wasn't the type of child who desired material things to keep me happy but if I ever did want something I would always get it. Material things cannot nullify sadness and I knew that better than anyone. The items that were given to me never healed the scars that coated the inside of my body._

_I felt this fist connect heavily with my skull as I jerked back violently and came crashing to the floor. My father had been drinking again, he utterly reeked of alcohol. I had the misfortune of running into him in this state and even though I didn't do anything he took his frustrations out on me anyway. I was dazed from the pain my head was spinning and throbbing heavily. I could hear him approaching my downed figure. He took a long gulp of his drink and exhaled roughly, he raised his foot as if to kick me. I tried to force myself to move but my limbs felt heavy as stone._

_"Dad! Stop it!" Luca burst into the room and stood to protect me. My father never hit Luca. I'm not sure what his reasons behind that were but he never struck my brother with his fists. Was it because I was a girl or because I looked so much like my mother? The answer I never knew._

_"Get outta th' way you brat!" He growled, his speech heavily slurred._

_"No! What you're doing is wrong!" Luca protested. I had to give him credit; I was impressed that he was standing up to such a menacing figure like my father. Unfortunately it didn't do any good; my father drew back his fist and smashed it against Luca's jaw. His face whipped back from the force of the impact and he fell backwards._

_"Luca!" I cried out his name desperately. I didn't want him to get hurt protecting me._

_My attention was drawn from my brother as my father approached, his image blurred by my spinning head. His figure was tall and dark and he loomed malevolently. I was stricken with fear. I didn't want to die! I didn't want my life to be taken away. I wanted to live._

_My father lurched suddenly and began to sway; it took no more than a second before he went tumbling down, hitting the floor hard. He had passed out from drinking too much. I found it to be a wonderful stroke of luck, for if he had still remained awake things might have turned out badly on my end. Luca was by my side instantly, helping me sit up asking restlessly if I was okay. He tried is best to wipe the blood from my face before carrying me out of the room._

_I found myself wishing for a better life. Luca was the only thing in this world which mattered to me. Apart from him all of the bad things outweighed the good. If Luca was no longer around I would find life meaningless. I didn't want him to lose his life because of me._

_We were separated a couple years later. I continued on living with the thought that I would never see my brother again._

_Fate is cruel._

* * *

**Chapter Nine**

Death Strong

* * *

The four of us were suiting up in the pilots' room. I slowly put on my uniform with a detached look on my face. I was deep in thought.

"So..." Clotho broke in, looking at me expectantly.

"So what?" I asked.

"Was that guy really your brother or what?" He asked.

I stayed silent for a moment before responding, "There's no doubt about it, that man was definitely my brother." My voice was filled with certainty and the look in my eyes remained unwavering.

"So what are you going to do about this then?" I heard Orga ask me, "It might not be good if he starts asking too many questions."

That was true, regular people weren't supposed to find out about what the four of us really were. If people started discovering what had been done to us than an imbalance might occur, military order would be disrupted. I'm sure most people would be against how we have been treated but if people started to find out about us than the plans of the higher ups would be in jeopardy. Our termination would be imminent.

"I don't know," I responded absently. I felt a gentle hand placed on my shoulder and followed it up to Orga's understanding eyes; the look in them seemed to soothe my troubled heart.

"It's okay. We'll deal with that part when it comes, alright?" He smiled down at me and I nodded understandingly.

After we had suited up and received our drug we boarded our mobile suits. I could see an image projected unto me by my machine from the ship's bridge. We were approaching some sort of space colony in the distance, it looked haggard and abandoned. I guessed that our enemies were holding up shop in there. I could see the white warship from Orb exiting the colony and proceeding towards us, it was the Archangel.

Suddenly Captain Badgiruel's voice came echoing through the communication channels, "Attention Archangel, do you copy?"

I wondered what she was doing. Was she trying to reason with her former allies or betraying the Alliance? I wondered how this would play out.

"The Alliance has classified you as a renegade ship, you will face termination if you do not comply with our demands," She went on.

[She sounds so textbook] I thought sliding down in my seat impatiently. I zoned out of the conversation temporarily and was only drawn back in when I heard the Archangel's captain reply.

"I do regret having to face you here now Natarle, but we believe the Alliance to be corrupt in its entirety. We will not surrender to you and we will fight against you if necessary!" The Archangel's captain sounded resolute, it was apparent that she would not be persuaded.

"But captain Ramius!" It sounded as if Captain Badgiruel was about to negotiate further and I sighed restlessly. [Can we just go out there already!]

The conversation was cut suddenly short by Azrael's laughter. "Did you really think that this issue could be solved in such a simple matter, Captain?" Azrael spoke in a mocking tone and I could almost see the Captain glaring at him.

"When people do not conform and won't be reasoned with… the only clear option left is to destroy them."

[That's right] I thought bitterly [That's the kind of twisted thinking that dictates the world.]

"Raider! Forbidden! Calamity! Reign, launch! Today is the day that the indestructible Archangel falls!" With those parting words from Azreal we launched. The vast emptiness of space engulfed us the second we left the ship, all around me as far as I could see the sky was covered with stars. I could also see various debris of fallen spaceships and ruined pieces of the colony drifting about, the scar that human beings have left on the final frontier.

My thoughts broke as the red and white mobile suits approached in the distance. My heart fluttered when I saw them as the drive for destruction grew within me. [It's been a while, you filthy bastards] I smirked devilishly as the emptiness around us was filled with fire. My urge to wreck these two mobile suits had not diminished since the Orb battle; I still delighted on the thoughts of their massacre. The Dominion engaged the Archangel and the four of us battled the red and white mobile suits. I noticed another ship fighting alongside the Archangel. I figured that it must be the ship that had shot down the Mass Driver in Orb, its appearance had changed and it had become much larger. Many Astray mobile suits launched out of it and went to engage us. Luckily our side had about a dozen Strike Daggers so I wouldn't have to worry about anything but capturing these two bastards.

Shani suddenly broke off from the group and flew away from our battle. I followed his path with my eyes and found him heading straight towards the Orb ship from before; it seemed to be caught up in some sort of metal cable and left immobile. Our orders were to specifically capture the red and white machines and I knew Shani was straying from orders by going after that ship. The red mobile suit also saw where Shani was heading and took off after him.

There was an Astray at the Orb ship slowly chopping off the wire. Shani appeared out of nowhere and was just about to cleave the Astray in two with his scythe when the red mobile suit came and roughly pushed him out of the way sending him tumbling backwards. Shani was enraged at being interrupted with his attack and he charged aggressively at the red mobile suit. The fight had also piqued my interests and I went over to help. Just as the red mobile suit was going to land a fatal blow upon the Forbidden I came down from above and swung my axe at the Red One. He dove back quickly and managed to miss the blade, but while he was taking the time to dodge I shot a barrage of cannon fire at him from the gun barrels on my mobile suit's wrists. He managed to dodge and intercept all the fatal shots but some managed to hit him in a few good places.

"I'm here to help Shani!" I called out to him cheerily.

He scoffed, "Just stay out of my way," I frowned at his negative response but dismissed it quickly; we had a battle to fight.

The three of us danced through the stars in combat, blades clashed as swords swung about wildly. Fires were shot and massive explosions echoed through the void. The skies glistened with blood, horrible as it was I felt no remorse for the dead, the battle roared and the people fighting around me were engulfed by flames. I was beginning to grow weary. This red mobile suit was persistent and his skills in fighting had not dwindled but improved since the Orb battle, not that I hadn't improved either; but was it enough? Would I be able to capture the enemy, could I keep alive?

On the other side, Orga and Clotho seemed to be doing quite well; being backed by the Dominion all shots fired connected hard and drove into the enemy with force. The Archangel was matching the Dominion's attack full force; the ships were at a stalemate. Orga and Clotho circled around the white mobile suit and hailed it with fire, occasionally some of their shots would hit but the white mobile suit avoided all the others. We were beginning to tire, I could see that even the white mobile suit was becoming distraught, and the red one noticed it too. He seemed suddenly frantic about the safety of his friend's life.

"You better worry more about yourself, Red one!" I shot at him with my axe poised high; he saw me coming and abruptly drew our battle to a close. He grabbed onto the arms of my machine, halting my attack, he drew his sword back and harshly severed the arm of my machine. Luckily enough, I realized what he was doing and managed to pull one arm away before he struck. Once the limb had torn he kicked me backwards. My mobile suit lurched as I held on tightly. During Red's attack on me, Shani had come in and tried to take the red mobile suit by surprise but the red one reacted instantly upon seeing him come. The red mobile suit pulled out some sort of beam boomerang which tore a deep gash in the Forbidden's shields. Shani was heavily disgruntled by the attack, and before he could even recover from that, the red one came at him again and tore his scythe in two.

Once he had taken care of us he rushed over towards the white mobile suit to assist in the battle.

I managed to recover myself after a few moments and tried to sort out the situation. I spotted Shani nearby; his mobile suit was a wreck. His shields had been torn, and his main offensive weapon, the scythe, had been disposed of. He wasn't moving. A vague sense of panic set in, I wondered if he was okay in there. I approached him quickly. I wondered… had his drug worn off? Or maybe he was physically injured.

"Shani? Shani! Are you okay in there!" I tried to act calmer than I felt but my voice wavered slightly.

He responded a moment later, after a pause I heard him speak.

"...That bastard...I'll kill him...kill him," He seethed angrily. I shrunk back at hearing his voice. I had never heard him sound so enraged before. I could almost picture the blood lust in his eyes, the same eyes I had seen while watching him fight in the facility. The eyes of a killing machine.

"I'll make him burn!" Shani shot off back towards the battle. I watched him go uneasily. Shani was blinded by his rage and if he let the anger get a choke hold on his actions then he could become self destructive. I took off after him and joined the battle.

By the time I rejoined the frontier, Shani had already become berserk. He was firing the remaining artillery of the Forbidden Gundam all over the place, even coming dangerously close to hitting Orga and Clotho. Both of them were genuinely bewildered and shocked at Shani's actions.

"Shani? What the hell!" Clotho spat angrily. Shani ignored him and continued fighting.

[What an idiot] I thought angrily. Shani sure was handling this badly. I knew that if he kept screwing up like this, we were all gonna get in shit. A chill ran through my body, at the thought of that pain; the pain of my drug. I bit my lip, I didn't want to be trapped in that world again, I didn't want that to happen.

I bolted towards the white mobile suit and continued the attack. The battle bore on heavily and all six of us were caught in the sky, suspended between the two massive warships; two opposing sides deep in a savage battle. I managed to fight well with only one arm. I kept hold of my axe during the battle which left me as a threat. I found it extremely lucky that the red one hadn't taken off both of my machines arms, for if he had I would have been incredibly weakened and unarmed.

The red one came at me fiercely, I barely managed to block his attack with my axe. I grit my teeth as I managed to pushed him back, how much longer was this fight gonna drag on! Sweat ran down my face as I gasped in air heavily. My energy was draining, I was tiring fast, I was even finding it hard to stay awake. But the constant fear of my drug's withdrawal that loomed over me like a guillotine caused me to fight on. I knew Shani and the rest were feeling the same; they were fighting on even though they wanted nothing more than to stop. But that wasn't an option, we had to fight on or suffer the consequences.

Suddenly, as if responding to my urge for rest, three bright bursts of light shot from the Dominion; a retreat signal. I sighed with relief, it was finally over. I was about to head back to the Dominion when I saw Shani was still engaging the enemy.

[What is he doing!] I thought, staring at him in bewilderment as he fought desperately against the red mobile suit. He was literally emptying all of the Forbidden's remaining weaponry on the red machine, unfortunately not doing any real damage. With the Nidhoggr Scythe destroyed and with the Forbidden's power running dry Shani's assault was basically useless. Not only that but Shani's eyes were clouded with rage, he was letting the fury dictate his actions, and I was sure that could only lead to his death.

I had to stop him! If he continued on like this he could get himself, if not all of us, killed.

"Shani!" I called out to him but he made like he didn't hear me, continuing to attack the red one.

I tried again, "Shani!"

Right after I called out his name Orga took the initiative and fired at the Forbidden Gundam. I panicked before I saw that the shots Orga had fired had missed the Forbidden, but only by a hair. A warning.

"Shani! Cut it out!"

"We're supposed to retreat, you idiot," Clotho cut in before taking off towards the Dominion.

I thought Shani was finally going to settle down and listen but I could see that he still wanted to persist.

"That guy! Do you know what he did to me!" He whined angrily, sounding like some spoilt kid. He really was acting childish.

"We have to retreat now! Do you want to have them punish us again?" At the thought of the withdrawal Shani immediately turned around and headed back towards the Dominion, Orga and I followed after him. Mentioning 'that pain' had plainly struck a nerve in Shani's heart and the same could be said for me. My body was tense and on edge as we boarded the mother ship; I knew that my drug could wear off at any moment and plunge me into the world worse than hell.


	10. Hole in the Heart

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

* * *

(Exports from Germaine's past. iii)

~**Earthly Bound**~

_At one point in time my father had grown sick of me, even repulsed by me in simple terms. I could see that he was disgusted in laying eyes on me. I'll never forget his eyes… so full of hatred._

_So he shipped me off to a foster home far away._

_I have trouble deciding which one is worse, my life as a CPU or my life in that home. Of course you would think living like a machine, being subjected to my drug and knowing that my life holds no value, as it does now, would be the worst it could get. But you'd be wrong. At least as a CPU I'm not alone, I have Shani, Orga and Clotho, Aubrae and Luca even; but in that foster home I was all alone._

_I went to a shitty little high school in the belly of that rotted city. The school was puke. Everyone there was disgusting and filled with so much hatred. The school's social structure was dictated by the so called 'popular kids'. There was disdainful girl at the top of it all. Her name was Ariel, a spoiled rotten little bitch and a half who I swear was a sadist by the way she treated people. Basically, if there was something she didn't like everyone else would follow suit and hate that thing along with her. I know that sounds ridiculous but that's how things worked in that zoo. One of the things she hated was me, and thus I was ostracized by the entire school. It's not like I ever did anything to her, I never did anything to hurt her mentally or physically. I never did anything to hurt anyone, but for whatever reason she still loathed me. Rumors were spread and even the staff and parents became weary of me. And that's why my life was awful at that point. There was no one in the entire world that cared about me and I was engulfed by a crushing emptiness. I spent my days alone and they just wore on just like clockwork. My heart was ripped and torn by all of the dagger words which came my way. I remember crying myself to sleep as I became hard as stone. As daily life went on like that... it's no surprise that I eventually snapped. _

* * *

**Chapter 10**

Hole in the heart

* * *

After the battle I had been pulled into the hellish world of my withdrawal. I sat quivering in a ball on the floor jabbering madly as my mind ruptured. My hands gripped the sides of my head tightly, squeezing hard. It was ablaze with pain, it felt like lava was running through my skull. Eventually the feeling spread and the lava ran down my throat, into my stomach, through my veins. Every fiber, every organ, my entire body was consumed by an inferno of pain. My outward state was cringe worthy at the least. I was sobbing, as blood trailed out of my mouth, my eyes were wide and wild and I trembled madly. The world was painted in shadows as I stayed locked in that world for hours upon hours. The time spent in my withdrawal felt like an eternity.

Eventually, the doctors held me down and shot the needle into my neck; dispersing the drug through my body as the pain died away. I was left numb as the last jolt of pain left my body.

I heard the doctors tell me to stand. I slowly managed to pull myself up on shaking arms as I cried. My heart was in so much pain.

[_No one loves you_] I managed to sit up and shift my weight onto my legs as I attempted to stand.

[_There is no future for you_] I couldn't stop the amount of tears bellowing from my eyes.

[**I hate you**.]

The second I was on my feet I turn and ran out the door with tears clouding my vision. I ran on blindly, my lungs heaving, my legs aching. I wanted to run away from it all. I didn't want to feel that pain anymore, I wanted to know that someone cared that I was alive. I am alive; why can't people see that? Why do they treat me like some sort of tool? What kind of wretched world is this? I don't know how long I ran on for but eventually my legs gave out under me and I fell in a heap on the ground.

I screamed. I screamed so loud that it hurt. And then there was nothing.

My body slowly calmed; the shaking subsided and I forced myself to stand. When I looked out all I could see was a sky covered in stars. I had ended up in an empty hallway somewhere in the ship; I was standing before a large window which showed me the stars outside.

[This world is beautiful] I thought [There are so many beautiful things in this world] the tears broke forth from my aching eyes [Then why does it have to be so painful?].

I let the tears drift off my face as I stared out into the void beyond; an endless sea of stars. I imagined what it would be like to finally lose myself into nothingness, I imagined soaring through that ocean of light, without any pain. It would be wonderful to finally be free… to finally die.

"Germaine?" My head shot up towards where the voice had come from. Luca was standing at the end of the hall. Once he had seen that it was me he walked over. I tried to hide my tears, I tried to wipe them away but I could tell it wasn't working. My eyes were red and puffy; I looked fragile and saddened, he could tell I was in pain.

"Are you okay?" He asked gently. His voice was so familiar to me, it had the same gentleness as before; it soothed my troubled heart. I tried to rub off the remainder of my tears and looked up at my brother's face. Seeing him brought forth feelings of ease and calmness from within me, I felt like I had a friend.

"Where've you been?"

He smirked sadly, "That's what I want to ask you. Where have you been all these years? I thought that you were dead."

I looked at him in confusion, "Dad shipped me off to a foster home, didn't he tell you?" My voice sounded weak and dry, another sign that I was unstable.

Luca laughed dryly, "He told me that you were dead."

I felt angry hearing that. How could that man really tell my brother that I had died! What kind of asshole does that? I was mad and I showed it too.

I crossed my arms and cast my eyes angrily out the window; scowling at the stars. "What happened to the old bastard anyway?" I huffed.

"Ehh," Luca sighed as he too leant on the window, "He's dead."

The anger faded. "He committed suicide. One day I walked into his office to find his brains splattered all over the walls."

I turned to look at my brother, but he wouldn't look at me. Either way Luca seemed detached. I could tell that he wasn't majorly affected by the death of our father, or if he was he didn't show it.

"Oh," I responded quickly; emotionlessly.

"You don't care?" Luca asked.

I shook my head briefly, almost too softly for him to see, "What happened to you then?"

"Aunty Agnes took me in. You remember her don't you? She was that old dinosaur who always piled on the make-up, remember?" Luca was smirking softly as he tried to make elaborate hand gestures to describe 'Auntie Agnes'.

I stared at him dumbly, "I have no idea who you're talking about"

He matched my gaze, "She bought you that puppy that one Christmas! Come on! How can you not remember her!"

"I... remember the puppy..." I said softly, I was still trying to find a face to match the name. I came up with nothing.

"Ah whatever!" Luca sighed in defeat, "Aren't you supposed to be heading out to a battle right now?" He asked glancing at my pilots' suit.

I followed his gaze and stared at my body, I didn't want to go back out there. It had only felt like the last battle just ended… the time I had spent in my withdrawal filled in the gray spots. It was almost time for the next sortie.

"What caused you to want to join the war anyway?" He asked before I could find an answer to his last question.

What made me join the war? I didn't want to die, that's the only reason. It was a simple solution to my problem, get executed or turn into a CPU. "Why did you decide to fight?" I asked emotionlessly.

Luca seemed kind of confused on why I didn't answer his question but he shrugged it off.

"Because I don't want to die," I looked up at him, "I've... known lots of people whose lives have been destroyed by this war. I figure I could help to put an end to it if I tried."

"Do you think killing people can help end this war?" I asked bitterly and he turned to face me with a glare.

"You're one to talk! You kill way more people than I do!" I cringed. Luca frowned once he realized what he said was stupid.

"Look, I didn't mean it like that..." He muttered avoiding my gaze, "It's just that... it's really hard to believe that you pilot a mobile suit, ya know?" His words were clumsy and sounded awkward.

"Yeah," I laughed lightly, "I guess this is the last place you would ever think of finding me."

"And... you don't even know the half of it yet."

He looked at me in confusion, "What does that mean?"

I couldn't answer him. I didn't want to tell him what had happened to me over the years we had been apart; the monster I had turned into. I feared that he would be repulsed by me if he found out what I had become. So I swallowed my words.

"Germaine?" His voice was filled with worry and concern; it was painful to keep my lips shut. When I looked up at him I could see the hurt clear in his eyes. He was upset that I was no longer able to trust him; no longer able to share my feelings and thoughts. We had become painfully distant over the years, we had become detached. There was no longer any room for him in my heart.

"Yo, Germaine!" I heard someone shout my name and I spun around on impulse towards the voice. Orga was standing at the end of the hall and he was the one who had called out to me.

"So this is where you've been," He said drifting over to where I was. He was still clothed in his pilots' suit which made me remember where I was supposed to be.

He stood next to me and we stared at each other for a minute before he drew his hand back and whacked me on the head.

"Ow! What was that for!" I whined as I gripped my head. Orga hadn't hit me hard enough to cause major pain; it was enough to enrage me though.

"Why the hell do you think? You have to stop doing stupid shit like this Germaine, you know what will happen if you keep disobeying them," Orga's voice was filled with concern and anger. He was right. I was surprised about the doctors' tolerance for my misbehaviors. I ran away, attacked them and now this. Orga was right, I had to stop screwing up like this or it would cost me my life.

"Hey you! Don't hit my sister!" Luca shouted out angrily. Orga looked up and stared stupidly at my brother like he didn't even know Luca was standing there.

"Oh... it's you. You're that guy..." Orga said absentmindedly as he pointed at my brother, then he stared at me.

"Let's go," I said softly, turning down the hall. Orga followed after me. I glanced back at my brother to see him standing there, unmoving. He knew I had to go, and even though there was so much that he didn't understand, so much that he didn't know… he had to watch me go. He knew I had to walk on.

"So... how did things go with him?" Orga asked as we made our way back to the hangar.

I didn't answer him right away; I really had to think of what to tell him. "I'm happy that it's him. But I'm sad that we can't be together." I smiled slightly, "He hasn't changed, not much at all actually."

Orga smiled, but I wasn't sure why, "How about you? Have you changed?"

"I have. A lot. And that's why we can't be together" Orga put a hand on my shoulder, gently stopping me.

"You know you're not alone, right?" I smiled and nodded understandingly. Then he softly pulled me into his arms. He was right. I would never really be alone. Shani, Orga and Clotho were always by my side, and if we were going to die then we would die together.

We made our way back to the hangar and found Shani and Clotho waiting for us.

"It's about time you brought her back here," Clotho grumbled, glaring at us both. While Shani remained emotionless, but I couldn't help notice how long his eyes lingered on me.

Orga frowned at Clotho, he was obviously unhappy about his comment; how he made it seem like it was Orga's fault that I had run away. "At least I brought her back, dipshit. I didn't see you out there looking for her!"

Clotho was ruffled by what Orga had said; and didn't have anything smart or witty to counter it. So he turned to me instead.

"You know you're lucky that the doctors still want to keep you alive. Figured they would have put you down by now, since you're so troublesome," Clotho honestly didn't sound like he cared about my life. The thing is, I knew he did. I nodded to acknowledge what he said and headed towards my mobile suit. The thing was that I wasn't dead, I was still living. And as long as I continued to live, as long as my heart kept thrumming inside of my body; I was going to walk forward freely, as an independent identity.

That sounds nice doesn't it? Too bad it was naive thinking.

"Oh yoo hoo! Germaine~!" I stopped dead in my tracks. I knew that voice all too well, and I was unfortunate to be hearing it. I turned around to see Azrael standing a few yards away, staring at me and signaling for me to come over. I knew this couldn't be good. Was he going to bring me to termination? What exactly was he planning to do?

I swallowed my emotions and approached him. By the time we were standing face to face my expression was extremely emotionless. I looked just how they wanted me to be, a remorseless tool.

He smirked at me smugly before he spoke. "I got word from the doctors that you've been misbehaving again. Is that not so?" His voice was almost sickly sweet; overshadowing the malice within.

"Yes sir," I said my voice also free of any emotion or feeling. It was empty and uniform. "I promise that it will not happen again."

He put a hand on my shoulder, brought down with enough pressure to signal unease. "You'd better see that it doesn't. You know what will happen to you if you continue to misbehave..."

My expression faltered slightly. I swallowed hard. I knew all too well of what these people were capable of doing to me, the torture they could put me through.

"Yes sir, I understand." My voice was hard, it sounded like I had to force the words out of my mouth so that they wouldn't waver.

Azrael gave a twisted smirk, "That's a good girl," and trailed off. I hesitated for no more than a second before he left and drifted off towards the cock pit of my mobile suit.

I boarded solemnly. Clotho cut in on my radio and started asking me a whole bunch of questions about what Azrael had said to me; but I quickly shut off my radio without a word which I'm sure pissed him off. I didn't care so much now. I needed to reform myself back into the human machine. I had to become what they wanted me to be. If I did not submit myself to them, becoming reformed as they wanted, then my life would come to an end. Although I realized at that point, that I no longer had a life. You can't call this living. We launched.


	11. no longer human

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

**Warning **this chapter contains some dark and gruesome imagery. Proceed with caution.

* * *

(Exports from Germaine's past iv)

**Blood down death day**

_I spent the saddest days of my life in that school where all of the faces stared down with hollow aversion for unfortunate souls like me. I was struck down by their malady and eventually my psyche broke. I don't remember all of what happened that day. I've suppressed a lot of things. But I'll recount the details of that bloody day as best I can. I remember that it was snowing, I'm sure it was around late November and I was sitting alone at the city park. The snow fell lightly, softly without a sound and stuck to my hair. I wore a gray T-shirt specked with faded food stains and a pair of black jeans. I was cold but the pain in my heart outweighed the frigid air around me._

_Ariel showed up with the usual entourage of her boyfriend Joan and his friend Cayle. There was also another girl, Maybelle, who had curly locks of golden blonde hair with not a strand out of place. The four of them strolled in; each dressed in comfortable warm clothing which I glared at enviously. Actually, I had been glaring at them ever since I caught sight of them when they entered the park. I looked almost demonic with that hateful glare plastered on my face. It wasn't long before they caught sight of me and steadily approached._

_"Heyyy Germaine," Joan said to me, his voice filled with mockery. I didn't respond. I kept my eyes cast downward._

_"Well that's not nice! You're supposed to say 'hello'!" He continued on but I made like he wasn't there._

_He abruptly grabbed onto the collar of my shirt and pulled me roughly off the bench I was seated and onto the cold snow covered ground. A chorus of laughter burst out from their throats. The sting of the frigid snow came quick onto my bare arms and soaked into my thin shirt. As I attempted to stand I was kicked down and a chorus of mocking laughter rained down upon me. I was literally being kicked when I was down; I felt it both on the outside and the inside of my body. It wretched my heart, torched it. Something like this wasn't out of the ordinary for me. I had received far worse treatment at that school, both mental and physical abuse which made this bout seem like nothing. Even if this wasn't one of the worst accounts of bulling that I had been subjected too, it had built up over time, up to the point of rupture. A person can endure only so much until the breaking point. But people can break in different ways. They can shatter and fall, having their spirit crushed, or they can snap and turn into a monster like I did. As I slowly tried to pull myself up from the cold ground, my sides aching from the kick I had been dealt, one of them decided to shoot a wad of spit on my head. And that's when I snapped._

_They laughed again, in unison, before turning their backs on me. But I wasn't going to let them leave. I rose steadily. I reached my hand into my pocket and pulled out a gun, a cold weapon of judgment. That's right, this was judgment. They couldn't do those things to me without retribution._

_Maybelle, sensing the unease in the atmosphere, turned around only to find a bullet shooting through her skull. Blood blasted out from her forehead as she fell to a lifeless heap on the ground. The others, stupefied, stood still as they stared at the dead girl on the ground. Their eyes then drifted to me, they were enveloped in fear. Seeing them look so terrified made me feel happy and I smiled. A twisted wretched smile spread across my lips as I fired another round._

_Two shots fired and blasted Cayle in the leg; he collapsed, screaming, as blood poured from the wounds. Joan, having regained his bearings, told Ariel to run. But I wasn't going to let that happen, oh no. Ariel took off instantly, stumbling and slipping clumsily over the snowy ground, she wasn't going to make it far. Joan turned to face me, looking distressed and scared. I ran at him quickly and punched him right in the jaw, so hard I broke his lips and chipped his front teeth. He fell backwards and I pocketed my gun, now pulling out a large kitchen knife._

_"Do you think you know what pain is?" I asked him, the words rolled from my lips lifeless and empty. It felt like they weren't my own. He stared up at me in horror, with his face filled with blood. "I'll show you" I smiled and plunged the blade deep into his throat. He managed to let out a wail of fear before the blade sank into his body. Ariel, having not gone far, turned back to look which in turn made her fall flat on her face. I pulled the blade from Joan's neck as he thrashed around on the ground, gasping desperately for the air that would not come. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before he died, so I turned my attention to the live bait. Ariel looked up at me as I steadily approached her, a mechanical unbreaking walk which made me look ominous and foreboding. My black hair covering my face, hiding my eyes only added to the fear she felt._

_"No..." She gasped out, too scared to run. "I... I'm sorry!" I stood before her. "I... I didn't really mean those things! I swear! It was all... all just a joke...so... please..." Her voice was frantic; desperate. But I wasn't willing to forgive her that easily. She found that out soon enough as I jumped on top of her and plunged the blade through her arm, with enough force as to break surface on the other side. She screamed wordlessly in agony._

_"It is too late to say sorry," I said, looking into her fear stricken eyes. I killed them that day. The way that I killed them is too gruesome for me to explain in all detail. But I murdered them… emotionlessly. By the time all four of them were cold and dead, blood had tainted the purity of the snow that surrounded me. I sat there, knife in hand, as the snow drifted down upon my blood coated body._

_I'm not sure how long I sat there before someone stumbled in on the gruesome sight, but the last thing I remember after that was being shoved into a police car and shipped off to jail. The sun had already set and the day had wore well on into the night. It was that day that I realized… that I was no longer human. Something had been awoken in the depths of my soul that day, some primordial lust to kill, that feeling wasn't me. It wasn't who I am._

**Chapter 11**

no longer human

I'm not a monster, am I? I can't even find an answer to that question. I can assure myself that I am a human being, but with each passing day, with every life I take, I begin to regard myself as more of a monster than human.

I had got used to seeing the void of space around me, so this time when I launched into the stars I wasn't at all startled by the vast emptiness of space that consumed me so. So it wasn't the foreign environment that accounted for my unease, but something else… that lay deeper inside. I had been feeling restless since boarding this machine; it was a wretched feeling that made me want to vomit. I had no idea what was wrong with me whether it be nerves or something corrupt on the inside. I didn't have time to worry about such things; I had a battle to fight, so I pushed the feeling down and bore on.

Scattered amongst the stars I caught sight of the Red machine. My brow furrowed as my eyes darted left and right around him. Where was the white one?

"There he is..." I heard Shani murmur darkly.

"Looks like there's only one of them out today," Orga said.

"Heh, this'll be a piece of cake," Clotho smirked. And our blades clashed in the sky.

Clotho was right; this battle was much easier to fight while the White One was gone. However, despite the Red One's crippling disadvantage, he still would not fall. I could feel the desire backing his actions, the Red One fought to protect the people who fought behind him and that's why he would not fall. Obligation and friendship fueled his actions, while fear and hate fueled mine. It's because I didn't want to die that I would fight.

But just because there are people who stand beside you, it doesn't make you invincible. The Red One was finding this out for himself right now as the four of us bore down upon him. He couldn't defend against all four of us, he would tire and he would fall. I began to get excited. We might actually win this one. We could capture this red bastard and go home, without having to face that pain upon return.

Two mobile suits shot at us, breaking my thoughts. I caught sight of them quickly and was able to react with ease. I shot a few rounds at them and landed a few good hits as they circled around and prepared to strike again. They were defending the Red One. These mobile suits looked familiar. I checked the radar screen quickly and caught sight of their codenames. Strike and Buster.

"Orga?" I called out to him quickly.

"What's up Germaine?"

"We can destroy those two right?" I asked, my voice carrying the same undertones as Shani's.

"I didn't hear that guy say anything about it," Clotho came in, sounding as devious as I. I took Clotho's word as an A-OK, and bolted at the brown mobile suit called Buster.

He saw me coming and rose up his massive rifle and took a shot. My mobile suit, agile and quick, avoided the shot with ease and continued straight for him. I could tell his mobile suit was not built for close-combat situations. All I had to do was get in close and he was as good as dead. I slammed straight into him, and he had nearly time to react before I pushed him into a nearby rock of space debris. He was trapped, the solid stone of the rock behind him, the blade of my axe in front of him. I figured he'd be pushing up daisies in a matter of seconds.

"Dearka!" My attention was cast away from the prey in my grasp, drawn to the Red mobile suit, coming at me quickly. I didn't have time to engage or defend, I hesitated, and my captive took his chance to push me roughly away. I was about to continue pursuit of the Buster when the Red One came at me. He was about to land a good hit when a large, spiked wrecking ball crashed into him and knocked him off his course. I'd know that giant, spiked wrecking ball anywhere!

"Thanks Clotho!" I called out in gratitude.

He scoffed, "Whatever." His mobile suit suddenly went compact, and looked something like a bird. He shot forwards, towards the Red One, rearing to engage.

"I'll cover you!" I sheathed my axe and put the wrists of my mobile suit forward. Each row of the gun barrels on my machine's wrists hold different ammo. The first rung is for short-burst melee fire, the second are for more heavy missiles. The third barrel contains seekers and detonators. Good for distance shooting, and enough to back Clotho up.

"Just stay out of my way!" He growled back. I ignored his negativity and soared forward, slowly behind him. The Red One had regained himself from Clotho's previous hit and was already standing poised for our attack. It's as if he was saying 'come at me'. Clotho shot at the enemy mobile suit, the claws of his machine extended outwards, like an eagle swooping for its prey. The Red One brought up his shields in order to block the offence, but in doing so he left himself entirely open. I had snuck around behind him, and while the Red enemy was entangled in Clotho's snare I took my change to fire the gun missiles, hitting him good. Valliant rose pink explosions erupted from the metal maw of our enemy. The blast had hit the Red One's body, so the Raider was relatively undamaged.

"Germaine!" Clotho spat, "You almost killed me you bi-" I cut him out quickly. My eyes were darting around the slowly dimming explosions. Where was the Red mobile suit? My heart sank. I hoped that I hadn't destroyed his machine. Azrael wanted that machine and if I destroyed it then... then I...

A shrill beeping caught my attention; the Red mobile suit was behind me. His unit was damaged but still intact. During the confusion of the explosion blast he had taken his chance to slink away unawares and approach behind me for a surprise attack.

"I don't think so!" I roared, whipping around quickly, drawing my axe on the turn and mashing our blades together. His mobile suit, fairly weakened, couldn't hold its own against me and I soon over powered him; slashing his offensive weapon away. I was going to end him. I poised my axe high and was about to bring it down upon him when a streak of brilliant white came tearing through the stars. An angel with gallant blue wings shot at me and smashed into my mobile suit. He slashed at my metal body with his swords, tearing at the arms, the legs, the chest. The interior of my mobile suit was drenched in a hue of red as alert sirens blared. WARNING! WARNING! He kicked at me roughly, sending my machine tumbling backwards and slamming violently into a rock of debris. My head jerked backwards and slammed into something, hard. My vision was clouded with stars. I felt tired, so... so tired. Everything went dark as I was pulled under.

*****(_Third Person Point of View - _**START**_)_*******

The White mobile suit had returned. He had appeared out of an ocean of stars and disposed of the Reign in no more than an instant.

"Germaine!" Orga had seen her go down and was stricken with panic. The Reign Gundam was floating slowly through space by the belt of rock debris that surrounded this colony so heavily. The pilot of the Reign was obviously unconscious because the machine ceased to move. Unconscious... or dead? Orga clenched his teeth.

"Germaine!" He called out again, heading for the disposed mobile suit. The Red mobile suit appeared before him and blocked his path.

"Damn it," Orga seethed, "Get out of my way!"

"Germaine! Answer me!"

Still, no sign of life emitted from the corpse of metal. The other two, Shani and Clotho, were equally worried about the well being of the Reign's pilot; but they could neither move nor stray because of the enemies that surrounded them so heavily. Each of them were being engaged by the Freedom, Justice, Strike and Buster. None of the three Dominion pilots' could approach their fallen comrade.

Meanwhile in the Dominion, Captain Badgiruel was barking orders at the crew as they engaged the enemy warships Archangel, Kusanagi and Eternal. Azrael was observing the battle intently, especially the one that his four machines were fighting.

"Captain! X-545 Reign is down!" A crew member informed.

"What?" Natarle looked up as the cameras zoomed in on the fallen machine. Azrael's eyes narrowed. "Send a Strike Dagger to retrieve it!" The Captain called out.

"Roger that! Strike Dagger #642, retrieve the 545!" The crew member ordered. The machine complied and headed towards the downed mobile suit, which was still vacant of any signs of life. The battle was turning vicious. The entanglement of mobile suits fought on ballistically, leaving only destruction in their wake. The Strike Dagger approached the Reign Gundam and slowly started to drag it back to the Dominion. The Strike Dagger pilot hardly noticed as the machine it carried started to twitch to life.

******(_Third Person Point of View - __**END**__)_******

The groaning and creaking metal signified the awakening of the slumber. The eyes of my machine glowed red and I pushed myself away from the Strike Dagger which carried me.

"Wha! Ensign Lockart? Are you alright? You have to return with me back to the Dominion!" The pilot called out to me but his words only seemed like static when they reached my ears. A thick stream of blood poured heavily down my face, over my eye and across my lips. My hair stuck to my face as my eyes stretched wide. There was a battle out there. I could see the vibrant explosions, the sea of twisted metal. A soft chuckle escaped my throat unwillingly. My heart thrummed wildly. I was an animal and all I wanted to do was kill.

I shot forward, my machine moved somehow. I was surprised considering how heavily damaged it was; but it moved and I moved with it. We broke through the borders of the battle field and shot at the White mobile suit. I wanted to give him pay back for the scars he had carved on my metal body. He saw me coming, he saw me roar towards him and he pulled up his guns and shot at me.

A wild smirk spread across my face. [You think that will stop me!] I almost burst out laughing. I brought the forearms of my machine forward; they covered me like a shield. The forearms of my machine were sharp, blade-like and the beams that bore against them broke against the steel. Useless. I came at him, my path unbroken by his attempts to stop me. As I came nearer, only seconds from him, he pulled out a beam sword and swung it at me. I blocked the beam with the steel forearms again, and I knew that's what he didn't expect. At the stalemate, I reached my hand out and grabbed onto the arm of his mobile suit and pulled. The metal groaned and creaked as I yanked on his arm. It wasn't long before the metal gave way and was torn. I yanked the arm of his mobile suit right out of its socket, taking the beam sword with me. It was my weapon now.

Broken chuckles started to drift passed my lips, turning into crazed laughter. I could remember thinking, what is this? Why am I laughing? Why do I enjoy this so much? I hadn't felt these feelings since that day in the snow when I made my first kill. What is this?

I continued to assault the White One as it struggled to defend against me.

"KIRA!" The pilot of the Red mobile suit shouted out as he watched his friend get torn down. He was trying to move to help but the Forbidden and Calamity blocked his path. He was at the mercy of a god.

This time a softer more shrill voice called out the pilots' name, "Kira!" I turned to see a group of Astrays coming at me, but only one moved on the offensive. I became giddy at the sight of this new prey and decided to end her. I pounced at her like a cat and crashed right into her mobile suit, sinking my claws and teeth into the metal. I heard her cry out in fear. She was extremely under skilled compared to the enemies I would usually fight, she was just a foot soldier and I would kill her.

I smashed the body of her machine into a nearby rock, and loomed over her. I'm sure at this time; the pilot was stricken by the impulse of fear. She yanked wildly on the controls of her mobile suit and the machine quivered beneath me. But I had my prey pinned down and she would not escape.

_The snow was falling over my blood drenched flesh_

I grabbed the chest of the machine and began to tear off the cock pit's hatch. It was pried off with ease. I discarded the metal covering.

_The blade cut through the soft pink flesh, fissures of blood spread out. Her voice broke into a wail. A shrill cry of desperation. Are you scared? Do you fear? _

I zoomed into the face of the pilot. Her eyes were ablaze with fear. She stared up at the obelisk of my looming mobile suit, paralyzed with terror. Tears broke the corners of her eyes as the last moments of her life came to an end.

_The cold steel of the knife plunged deep into her body, cutting away the life she could not hold onto_

I slammed the fist of my machine into the gaping maw of the cock pit, crushing her frail body like a twig under tons on metal. A crooked smile broke on my face as I began to giggle madly. I pulled my fist back and slammed it down unto the ruined cock pit again, crushing it even further. I repeated these actions again and again until the machine's chest was nothing but a scrap sea of wire and steel.

"Mayura!" The other Astrays rushed at me. I jumped away from my lifeless kill and went to engage them too. A shrill beeping caught my attention; my machine had finally run out of power. I stared at the emptying power bar, aloof from the world. I stood still, wanting to kill more but unable to do so. Suddenly my machine was grabbed hold of. I panicked for a second before I saw it was the Calamity that had taken a hold of me. He was dragging me back to the Dominion, with Shani and Clotho following close behind us. We turned our backs on the enemy, whose forces we had left in ruin.

I was dragged into the hangar, some pieces of my mobile suit finally losing their grip and falling off of my machine. Once docked I stumbled forth from the cock pit, tearing off my helmet and letting it fall from my hands. The world around me was becoming surreal. The bright lights overhead shone down upon me in arcs, they glowed abnormally. The lines and shapes around me began to blur and distort; they melded, broke and then rejoined. I gripped my spinning head, shutting my eyes, trying to steady myself.

Once I had opened my eyes I saw Luca standing before me. I felt happy once I saw him and a smile unwillingly spread on my face. But he wouldn't look at me, his face was turned away. A slight unease built in my stomach.

"Luca?" I tried to call his name but it came out as a squeak.

"You kill more people than I ever could," His voice was still and monotone. The feeling of unease grew stronger. It was when Luca turned to look at me, with a face full of decaying flesh that I became aware of where I was. The hellish world. The sky broke above me and a rain of blood poured down from the heavens. The skies wept. I was abruptly pulled under by something; I could feel it grab onto me and try to pull me down. I soon realized that corpses of flesh, dead bodies, were what was yanking me down. They all piled over me, one after another. I was suffocated by mounds of corpses; the people I had killed. I screamed out as they lashed at me, their nails sinking deep into my skin.

Outside of the world of hallucination I was struggling around on the floor like some crazed animal. Tears poured from my eyes, over the streaks of blood which ran from my head. I was making sickly choking noises between the cries of terror which bellowed from my throat. Orga, who had quickly caught sight of my body, ran over to me. He knew something was wrong, he knew I had been pulled into the horror world of my drug and tried to calm me down. But I couldn't recognize him, I saw him only as a threat; something which wished to do harm unto me. So I lashed out against him, kicking wildly with my legs. My foot connected heavily with his jaw and he recoiled away from me in pain.

"Shit..." He growled out, as a stream of blood began to trickle from his lips. I continued to flail around on the ground, my arms and legs continued to lash out at things that weren't there, things only I could see.

Luca, having watched our battle closely had bolted towards the hangar once he saw us board the mother ship. Now he saw me struggling madly on the ground, being helpless to stop my pain. He stared at me in shock, like Orga. He didn't know how to help me; he didn't know how to act because he didn't understand what was wrong with me.

I cried out again, in the hellish world I was buried under layers of human flesh. The skeleton people continued to lash at me, grabbing my hair and pulling, biting at my skin, clawing me with their ragged nails. I couldn't breathe under the weight of the dead, and the stench of decaying flesh made me wretch. Vomit rose up my throat and shot out of my lips, in this world and the real one, I couldn't breathe! I was certain that I was going to die in this world… and I probably would have if a pair of arms hadn't reached for me and pulled me out of my tomb of dead flesh.

I scarcely remember what happened, but someone grabbed hold of me and pulled me into a secure embrace. I was softly engulfed by a warm gentle feeling. The hellish world faded away and reality began to mould back around me. I sat there, completely dazed and disoriented until I realized someone was holding me. I couldn't see their face, since they held me so closely. I could only see over their shoulder, but the familiar smell of his body and the gentle words which left his lips enabled me to place the name.

"It's okay," Shani said to me, he rubbed my back gently, as the last traces of the hellish world left me. I still couldn't understand what had happened. I didn't remember feeling the needle pierce into my neck; my drug hadn't been administered, so why was I here? Why had the hellish world gone? Did it have to do with Shani? How was he able to drag me out of that world? I was so confused, something like this had never happened before. I didn't know what to do, what to say. I just sat there until he spoke again.

"You'll be safe" His voice was so soft and so quiet that it immediately put me at ease. I closed my tired eyes and buried my face in his chest shutting out the rest of the world. It was just him and me, and as far as I was concerned, nothing else mattered. I fell into the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat, his steady pattern of breath. I felt happy.

Orga, Clotho and Luca stood around the two of us, being completely dumbfounded by what had happened. But I was okay, so it seemed enough for them.

The doctors burst in the hangar a moment later to find me hidden in Shani's embrace. They stared at us all confusedly before approaching. Shani caught sight of them and his grip on me became tighter, a low growl rumbled from his throat. Orga and Clotho went of the defensive too.

"Just leave her alone" Orga growled, "She's already gone through enough!"

Poor Luca was too confused to do anything, so he just stood there and watched the doctors continue their steady approach forward. They stopped right before us, keeping their eyes locked on Shani and me. I could tell something was wrong by the tense state of Shani's body but I forcefully ignored the feeling. I didn't want to go back to that painful world.

The doctors exchanged a glance and pulled out an injector. One of them leant down quickly and inserted it in my neck. My muscles tightened as the icy sting of the drug shot through my body leaving me limp and vulnerable. They pulled the needle from my neck.

"The four of you should escort her to the medical wing right now, her head is wounded" Surprisingly enough, the doctors' handed Shani, Orga and Clotho their drug before taking off. We all stood there for a few long silent moments. My head began to throb heavily, and I buried my face even deeper into Shani's embrace. He seemed to pick up on my discomfort and gently picked me up and carried me off to the hospital to have my head treated. Orga and Clotho followed after him but Luca didn't budge. He had now seen me as the human machine and nothing would be the same for either of us.

* * *

Listen to **no longer human **by Fall of Efrafa


	12. Beautiful Things

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

* * *

**Caged**

There had been gray walls all around me for many months now. After the killings of my fellow classmates I was thrown into jail; my execution would soon follow. There wasn't a set date yet but I knew it was an inevitability; my life would be taken for the ones that I had stolen. I didn't lie to the police. When they asked me 'did you kill them?' I answered immediately 'yes'. The whole case was pretty black and white, I mean when they found me I was sitting in a pool of their blood. I was a killer. I deserved to die for that… which is what I believed at that time.

I shared a cell with a really strange girl. I'll never forget her. She never talked much, not at all really. She was unkept; her hair fell down in matty curls over her body, down to her toes. Her eyes were deeply sullen and lost. She carried a plastic doll which had a mischievous glare painted on its face. She tended to it, brushing its hair over and over and over again. I was sure stuck with a weird one.

She was weird, but at least she wasn't one of the violent types. There were many residing in here with us. They used to bother me, used to target me. But I soon showed them that I wasn't to be messed with. It happened one day, when the sun was far off in the sky and a group of girls approached me. I wasn't really listening to what they were saying, but their voices were filled with that mocking edge. Eventually one took a swing at my head. It wasn't an excessively violent punch, it was a hit thrown to enrage me; to provoke me into attack. It worked, but not in the way that they hoped. I belted my feet into one girl's stomach, striking the air out of her lungs. I pounced on her and shoved my hand into her mouth, taking a firm hold on her jaw; I felt like I could tear it from its bearings if I tried hard enough.

"You don't want to mess with me," I hissed, giving her jaw a rough, sharp tug which caused her to squeal in fear and pain. I got tingles in my stomach when I saw her act that way, all scared. I felt the same thing when I killed those kids in the park. Was this really me?

I remember the day I was chosen to be in the 'human enhancement program', the day I signed my life way to become the human machine. I was perched on my bed, a bunk, with Mattie curled in the bed sheets on the bottom. Mattie, it's the name I gave to the girl I roomed with. It seemed like a fitting name considering her hair and all.

"Inmate 28006," I sat up and faced the opening of my cell. They didn't address you by name here, you were only known by a number.

"You have a visitor." My ears perked up and confusion was clearly shown on my face. A visitor? Who? I had no friends on the outside, no remaining family left. Who on earth could it be? I hopped down from the top bunk and walked towards the door.

A soft, frail voice halted my steps. "Germaine" My name was spoken strangely, with an accent. I turned to see Mattie watching me, from under the tomb of bed sheets she had made for herself. I stared at her, not knowing what to say, had I even hear her speak before?

"Goodbye," She said, waving a small hand my way. And eerily enough, with the other, she raised the hand of her doll and made it wave identically to hers.

I walked behind the jail guard. We walked on through bared halls, until we reached a small gray room. A table stood right in the middle, with an important looking man seated facing me.

"Germaine Lockart?" He questioned. He was dressed in formal wear; a suit and a tie. Heavily worded papers sat in front of him on the table.

"Yeah. That's me."

"Please, have a seat," and he gestured to the empty chair before him. I sat and waited for him to talk. I didn't know this man, and I was curious to why he had called me here.

"I bet your wondering why you're here." He must be a telepathic.

"You've been chosen to be enrolled in one of O.M.N.I's research and development facilities. You will be put into an enhancement program where you will be tested an enhanced into a super solider" He talked on for a while, describing the facility, making it sound better than it really was. What he told me, things that I wouldn't understand until I experienced them in that place, seemed foreign to me and I pretended to understand his words. He handed me the papers he had on the table. My eyes skimmed over the lines, the words sticking in my head for no more than a second before vanishing entirely. I couldn't really get a grasp on what I was being told.

"Well, what it boils down to is, you either spend the rest of your days waiting to die, or you join our program. Do you want to die, Miss Lockart?"

That was a good question. I deserved to die, yes, but that wasn't the answer to his question.

"Where do I sign?"

I didn't want to die; I didn't want to die just yet. I was still young, I hadn't even seen the half of the world, I had hardly lived in this life. I mean how hard could it be? Being a super soldier and all... sounds kind of cool. Hey, just shoot a few coordinators down and call it a day? Right. Right?

I took the first few steps off to becoming the human machine.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

Beautiful Things

* * *

With my head fully bandaged and a body full of Rhypepthin, I sat with knees hugged to my chest in the pilots' room. I was reflecting on the last battle. What I had done. The girl I killed. What I had become. The blood coursing through my veins felt foreign. The predator urge was still softly burning in my belly. I was a killer; something that only lived to feast on flesh. Something inhuman. At least that's how I felt now.

My eyes slowly drifted up to the boy sitting across from me, caught up in a book as usual. A thick black mark was forming on Orga's face where I had struck him in my madness. A pang of guilt hit me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the bruise on his face and he eventually caught sight of me staring.

"What?" He asked.

I wanted to answer but the words fell ill in the back of my throat. "What's the matter Germaine?" His voice... it was gentle. It eased me into talking; it coaxed the words from my stiff throat.

"I'm sorry... I... hit your face..." I squeaked out. Why did my voice sound so quiet? So frail?

"Ahh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even hurt," He disregarded humbly. He was so nice to me and it made me feel happy.

"'Ey! Shouldn't that guy be here? You know! Your brother!" Clotho chirped in. "I figured he'd show up after he saw you"

"Yeah, you're right," I murmured," He'll be coming. I know he'll come here." And sure enough, Luca arrived only a few minutes later.

"What the hell happened to you Germaine?"

The moment he arrived he started assaulting me with questions. What happened to you? What's going on? The usual interrogation I was expecting from him. He wanted answers and to his distain I wasn't willing to give him any. If I told him the things he wanted to know, he would react the wrong way; he wouldn't understand. Besides that he'd be putting the lives of not just me but, Shani, Orga and Clotho in jeopardy too.

"Why aren't you answering me?" He said, easing back, a faint tinge of hurt in his voice.

I sat there unmoving, a curtain of hair covering my eyes. My plan was to ignore him and hope that he went away. After a while I could see he was resolved to stay until he got something out of me. But I was adamant; I wasn't going to tell him anything.

A few minutes later, out of all people in the world who could have shown up, Aubrae decided to come visit me. She walked in with a smile, but once she saw Luca in the room her smile faded. She realized that she had walked in on a tense situation, and was about to turn and leave.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess this is a bad time" She was about to retreat back out the door when I called for her to stop.

"You don't have to go," I said. She stood still at the door for a moment, before advancing in. I don't know why, but I felt that it would be beneficial if Aubrae stayed here. I wanted her here for some reason; it didn't feel right pushing her away.

"Who are you supposed to be?" Luca asked angrily. He was obviously upset about not getting any information out of me, and he wasn't hiding his frustration.

"I'm one of Germaine's friends, is everything okay?" She asked humbly. Luca glared at her before turning back to me, not even bothering to answer her question.

"You realize I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened," He said to me.

"I know," I answered back, my voice devoid of any emotion.

"Then why don't you just tell me!" He shouted. I was getting sick of his attitude, like he was obliged to know. I just wanted to be left alone! I took this chance to look up at him, the veil of hair parting and showing my angry eyes.

"Because I can't tell you! You wouldn't understand anything! If you start learning too much, and start seeing things that they don't want you to see then they'll kill us. If it was just me than it wouldn't matter, but if I tell you anything they could die too!" I shouted, gesturing to Shani and the rest. "I'm exactly like they are..." My voice became softer, frailer, more broken. "I'm not even... a human... anymore... so you should just leave me alone..."

A deafening silence followed.

My words hung in the air, lingering on the top of everyone's mind. Luca couldn't know, he wasn't supposed to know. If he found out about us than he would react the wrong way. The people on the top, the ones with power, like Azrael, would have us disposed of, Luca too, and then replaced with four other nameless pilots from that facility. We were expendable after all.

"Just leave me alone," I croaked out, "It'd be best if you forget about me. Go back to thinking that I am dead"

Again, the silence lingered after my words were spoken. I didn't like the silence which fell after my words, it made me feel like the tense air around me was pressing against my bones, it put me horribly on edge.

Luca broke the tense air with a swift sigh, blowing out air through his teeth. "I can't do that Germaine."

I twitched slightly. What did he say? What does that mean? I stopped the passage of my thoughts when I felt him place his hands firmly on my shoulders. Out of impulse I looked up and met his eyes. I looked deep into those eyes that were nothing but sheer clones of my own… those deep violet orbs.

"You want me to just give up and forget all about you? That's bullshit Germaine!" He was upset, but not mad. He sounded like he wanted to help, not hurt me. "I don't care what it is that you are! I don't care how much you've changed. I don't even care if you tell me anything about what's happened but... you're still my sister no matter what." He took this chance to wrap me up in his arms.

"I'm not going to abandon you."

That's right. Luca had always been beside me, protecting me in the years of my childhood. And he still felt that way now. He had blocked the bruises, cleaned the leaking blood. He's the main reason I lived through my early years. Why did I ever want to push him away?

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I locked shaking arms around my brother. I held him close as the tears fell. I remembered Orga telling me that I would never be alone, strange that I hadn't realized it sooner. There were people in this world who wished to stand beside me, despite having my hands drenched in blood. The realization of that only brought the tears flowing faster and I eventually broke down into Luca's arms. The conceited emotions wallowing in the depths of my body came spilling out. All of the hatred, the sadness, the fear, everything passed through me and fell from my face as I wept. The predator urge was dying.

Luca was there to hold my body as I shook in sadness. He didn't know anything. He didn't understand anything. Yet he still wanted to stand beside me. I hadn't cried this much in years and it felt good to dispel the ragged emotions that lingered on the inside. Eventually my tears ran dry and my body was all that I had left.

The back of my neck burnt slightly as we pulled away. I was left looking tired and haggard, with tear stains running down my face. Needless to say I felt much better than I looked. I finally had people who cared that I was alive. There was finally a point in my life that wasn't drowned in sadness. All those times before, the feelings of sadness would far outweigh any sparks of joy, but now it seems that I couldn't suppress the warm feeling tingling in my stomach. I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face.

My happiness seemed contagious, as Luca and Aubrae began to grin. I even thought I saw Orga crack a smile. Clotho was looking confused; since I'm sure he's never seen me look happy ever before. I could see Shani watching me, peeking through his hair which drooped over his face.

"Does... this mean I don't have to tell you anything about me and you'll be okay with that?" I asked. I even sounded happy; the sound of my voice reminded me of myself as a child.

Luca's expression went blank, "What are you talking about! I'm not giving up that easily! I'm getting the answers out of you whether you like it or not, Sis!"

Sis? Did he just call me sis? My smile creased into a frown. My brother, it seemed, had not lost any of his annoying qualities at all.

"I already told you I'm not telling you anything," I grumbled, giving him a look which said 'stop... and now'.

But my brother, being annoying and persistent as he was, wasn't going to give up that easily. He kept going on about 'how he was going to get me to talk' and all sorts of other things. It really made me agitated just listening to him. Sure, I loved my brother and all, but I could really do without these annoying quirks of his. Eventually, after his blubbering went on and on, our heartfelt sibling reunification turned into the generic bickering sibling fight.

"Can you just shut up already? My god, you sound like a broken record!" I shouted, I couldn't sit there and listen to his annoying voice anymore.

I stared at me, mouth open in shock. "But I thought we were friends again!"

"We are," I answered passively, "I just don't like you pestering me like this..."

He frowned, "I just want to help you... Germaine."

A sudden beeping halted our conversation. Luca stared at me with wide eyes before hastily pulling back his sleeve and staring at his watch.

"Oh hell! It's noon already!" Luca scrambled to his feet and dashed for the door.

"Hey wait!" I called back, being confused by his frantic attitude. "Where are you going?"

"To the hangar!" He called back, stopping momentarily, "I'm late for my shift!"

He dashed out the door and quickly disappeared; only to reappear a few seconds later.

"But I'll be back, you hear! I'm not gonna stop until you tell me what's going on with you! Okay, bye!"

And with that he was gone, for good this time. I sat there staring at the door once he left, torn between emotions. I felt the couch slightly dip beside me as Aubrae took a seat.

"You must be happy now that you've smoothed things over with your brother," She said.

"It's bitter-sweet," I answered.

A slight spark of confusion spread across her face, "What do you mean?"

"It's sad because I'm going to die before I get a chance to spend any time with him..." My voice was devoid of emotion, but I could feel a sadness build in my soul. "Once the war is over my life will serve no purpose. And then they'll kill me… if I survive that long"

Aubrae looked down at me in pity, she could never understand how this feels, but she could see the sadness in my eyes; the sadness lingering deep inside my body.

"Well Germaine, I think its better that you're able to spend time with him now, opposed to not seeing him at all and thinking that he was dead," She smiled at me, "Don't you?"

I looked at her, the sadness slowly breaking. She was right. I should enjoy the rest of this life, and love the people around me, if I do that than I won't die in a pit of dark emotion. A small smile spread on my face, broken by emotions of joy and pain. I couldn't understand why Aubrae was so nice to me but I'm glad that she was. Having the last of my days unspoilt by sadness was exactly what I wanted. Because then I could go out with a bang, without a nous of regret strung around my neck.

* * *

Aubrae left after a while. But what had happened with Luca, and all of the things that she had said to me caused me to seek solitude. I had left the pilots room a short while ago, off to find a quiet place to think, and I had found it. A lone hall off in some uninhabited place on the ship with a large window stretched out before me. I was face to face with a sky full of stars. I don't know what it was about the sight, but all the lights that littered the sky calmed me so. My mind was bustling with thought, and a warm feeling was burning in my stomach; but it was different from the predator urge. The way I was beginning to feel, the emotions of happiness being brought out of my soul, it was all something profound and at the same time so foreign to me. And there was something else on the inside… an empty feeling right at the center of my heart.

What was this?

I thought I could quell the issue if I had some time alone to think, but it wasn't long before I had a visitor. I hadn't noticed him until he was only a few feet away, and even then I didn't acknowledge him with a response, I simply continued to stare out the window. Despite having ignored him Shani came and sat down beside me anyway. He plopped right down beside me and stared out the window.

"Hey," He grunted. I was surprised that he even said anything to me but my response was automatic.

"Hey..." My voice was soft, absentminded, it sounded like my thoughts was set on other things.

A silence lingered. I remembered that it was Shani who had pulled me out of the hellish world during the last sortie; he was the one who took away the pain. Nothing had been able to do that before but a cold, metal needle. I didn't know what to think of it, but I was grateful beyond words. Problem was I didn't know how to show him that...

"Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded quickly, "I'm okay. It's just that... my thoughts are a little jumbled right now" I smiled weakly.

"Are you happy that you talked to your brother?" He asked again, turning to face me this time, trying to see the look on my face.

What was with all the questions?

"I guess so... but there's so much I'm hiding from him... do you think I should have told him... about me... about us?" My voice came slowly.

"He would have acted stupid about it..." He murmured, turning his gaze to the window again.

"Yeah... he probably would have..."

The silence came again. I was beginning to notice the tense state of my body. I was really nervous. Why? Was it because Shani was sitting beside me, so close to me? I clicked in on it then, his soft steady breath, the heat generating from his body, there was another life right beside me. My cheeks started to grow pink.

"Hey..." I heard him say. I was quickly pulled from my thoughts to find Shani staring right at me. He has a wonderful pair of eyes, I'll take my chance to say that now. It's a real shame that he wants to cover his face all up with his hair. But at this moment, Shani's eyes were focused on me, and I couldn't read what was within them. My cheeks grew even redder. He was so close...

"Hey," he said again, "What is it that you dream about... when you're asleep"

I stopped.

The hair tucked behind me ear gently fell down across my face as I turned my head; I looked out at the stars before me. I realized this is a beautiful world.

"When I sleep, I have intense dreams... I think you have them too." I glanced at Shani as he was attentive to every word that I spoke. "I dreamt of a world where I wouldn't have to feel any pain or sadness ever again. Not just me... but every single person around me and every single person who is alive. No one would have to be slaughtered and killed, people wouldn't have to butcher each other... and we could all just live without that pain..." My words began to trail off, and then stopped suddenly.

"There's no such world..." Shani murmured bitterly.

"...That's not true. See? Can't you see it? I couldn't see it at first... I...I didn't realize it right away... but Shani... this world is a beautiful world..."

I felt a pair of gentle arms close around me and the next thing I knew I was pressed up against Shani's body. He was holding me. My cheeks were redder than they've ever been before but that familiar feeling of ease came steadfast unto me. What was this feeling? What was this absolutely wonderful feeling? Why had I never felt this way before? Why was I feeling it now? I didn't know the answer to any of those questions, but I realized that I was happy and never wanted to let that feeling go.

Shani pulled away, but still kept me close. He pulled me back and stared directly into my eyes, while I stared straight into his. The next thing I knew, he brought his lips in close and pressed them against mine. A spark of shock ran through my body, but I quickly eased up and fell into it. It was a feeling that did nothing but captivate me entirely. All I could feel was the heat of his body against mine, his hands caressing my face, his soft lips against mine. It was a memorable first kiss to say the least. Eventually though, the kiss was broken and our lips parted. I found my gaze against his eyes again and he said, "For me... it can't be a beautiful world without you..." My eyes became wet with tears, and even some of them made their way across my face. Shani seemed taken aback by this.

"W-why are you crying?" He sounded generally worried. I wasn't crying because I was sad, I was crying in joy. "I'll always stand with you..." I said, choking on the tears as I found myself buried in his embrace yet again. There was no longer a hole in my heart, thanks to it being filled by this wonderful feeling that must be love. At that moment, as we held each other against a sea of stars... I felt less like a machine and more like a human than I ever had before in my life.


	13. Her Blood

**Disclaimer:** All characters/places/items belong to their rightful owners. I do not own Gundam Seed or any associated characters however, characters like Germaine, Aubrae and Luca, came from my head. They'll be the vessels I use in which to tell the story.

* * *

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die? That thought ends up crossing my mind a lot. It's hard not to think about it when you have a life like mine. Death is an inevitability for everyone, but it's at a much closer point for me. I realize that I will never grow old, get married or have children. All of that became real when I was turned into a human machine. I can see myself getting killed within my mobile suit. One day some pilot will get lucky and shoot me down. Or I could die while I was consumed within the hellish world. There's only so much pain a body can take, eventually mine will give out and collapse. Or another, unlikely option is that I survive the war and they end up terminating me since I no longer have any usefulness. If there's no war to fight than there's no use using the effort to keep me alive, no other option but death will follow me. There is no other outcome that would lead me into life, not even the gods themselves can save me. I am going to die.

Do I fear death? The thing is... I fear being alive far more than I fear any death that could await me. It doesn't bother me and I even kind of look forward to it in a way. That leaves me wondering, what will become of me after I die? Will I run around with little cherub angels in the clouds? Will I end up burning in the fire of hell? The latter seems most likely for me, considering all the lives I've taken. It's not like I really believed much in that stuff anyway, if there was a god then he would saved me from this torment; no hell can be worse than the one I already live in. I got to thinking, if there is any sort of life waiting for me after I die than I'd like it to be like my dreams… a world where no one has to die and no one has to kill. Greed, hatred and sadness aren't emotions that run rancid like a disease. If I only I could live in a world like that, together with the people I love, then living through this life full of pain would have been worth it.

But those images are simply dreams, an illusion. Dreams are always something that I can wake up from, even if I would rather not wake at all. But I'm always awakened by the soft, artificial purr of a machine. I'm awakened by the tugs against my flesh and I awaken to kill again.

* * *

**Chapter 13**

Her Blood

* * *

I had been unable to get that conversation out of my head, after the hours that followed it was all I could think about. When I sat down and talked to Shani, like I did, I said such strange things that really kept me thinking. I couldn't believe half of the stuff I had said to him, since the words that poured from my lips seemed so unlike mine. I usually would have despised life, loathed it, if it weren't for the wonderful feelings being brought up from the depths of my soul. I was beginning to realize that if I let the machine devour me then it would only belch out more hatred. I didn't want this world to be overcome with hostile and sad emotions. If that happened than I knew that the beautiful world I envisioned would remain as nothing but a dream. I thought it would be nice if I could do something to help bring about change to this rotten world. Wouldn't that be wonderful? But when my existence has been broken down into something which needs only to kill to survive than how in the world can I create a beautiful world?

With all these thoughts squirming inside of my head and with no way to banish them I set to drawing. I hoped that I could dispel the thoughts through my art and it was a good way to kill time before the battle would start. We were set waiting for repairs to be finished on the Dominion and the mobile suits; mine in particular needed a good patching after I tore it up so badly during the last battle. Now was the time for attack, we had left the rebellion's force in disarray and ruin before we were forced to retreat because of our own wounds. The battle would start up soon and we all knew it, we were simply waiting for the words to ring out over the P.A. It wouldn't be long now…

So I was holed up in the pilots' room with Shani, Orga and Clotho. Each of them was completely absorbed in their activities. Shani seemed to be the most caught up in his nap, getting in a few hours of sleep before the fighting would start. I kept peeking out at him from behind my sketch book as I drew, my attention more focuses on him than my doodle. I wondered what he was dreaming about. What sort of things was he seeing inside of his head? Was he dreaming about me? I cheeks started to warm as I remembered what his touch felt like and the emotions he had given to me. If he wasn't thinking about me, well I was certainly thinking of him. I stopped my drawing suddenly as I realized that I had drawn a couple, each holding hands and leaning against each other with a moon strung up in the sky. You could only see the backs of the couple but one could tell that it looked eerily like Shani and I. My cheeks started to grow even hotter. Why was I even thinking about such things? Love is certainly a strange feeling; it makes me feel like puking, crying and laughing all at once. I shut my book quickly. I didn't want anyone to see the emotions displayed in my drawing.

A sudden announcement was heard over the P.A. a familiar one we knew we all would hear, "All hands prepare for battle; pilots board your machines at once! I repeat..."

"Well," Orga sighed slamming his book shut, "Guess it's time to go"

"Yup," Clotho nodded, switching his game off and pulling himself up from the couch, heading for the locker where his space suit was.

I was about to follow him when I realized Shani had not stirred from his spot on the couch, surely he had heard the announcement? I walked over to him and began to jab his face with my index finger, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to wake him up so suddenly, because when he dreamed he wouldn't have to worry about any pain. If I woke him up then I would be dragging him into a world where he would feeling nothing but sadness and pain. Debating over the issue for a few moments I realized I must have grown very close to this boy if I felt so strongly about him. Clotho was by my side suddenly, giving me a quick look before throwing Shani off the couch like a bag of potatoes. Shani fell in a heap on the ground before slowly pulling himself up and glaring hatefully at Clotho. Somehow he knew it wasn't me who had disturbed him.

"Come on, get ready. We have to go out there now," Clotho told him quickly, ignoring the look in Shani's eyes, and zipping up his space suit around his chest.

Clotho turned on us and went back to his locker to fish out his helmet and then head to his machine, which Orga was just about to do. Shani continued to sit on the floor, staring downward. Had Clotho awoken him from a peaceful dream? I offered my hand as I smiled down kindly at him. His look softened when he saw me. It changed into a gentle expression that Shani would not often wear and it made me happy to see his face not riddled with sadness. I pulled him up and we got to changing. By the time we had suited up Clotho and Orga had already left for their machines.

"We better hurry," I told him as we grabbed our helmets, "Don't wanna keep them waiting" But before I could turn for the door Shani grabbed me. He put his hand on my shoulder and turned me towards his eyes that were showing me feelings of care and compassion, feelings foreign to what he would normally feel. He was beginning to break away from the machine as well.

"I don't want you to die," Is what he said to me. I could understand. I didn't want Shani to die either. I wanted the both of us to live and stand beside each other, and even die together if it was destined to be that way.

"I won't leave you out there... all alone," I told him, and he truly believed me. I slowly felt his lips on my own and I found that we were kissing. How could two people who breed off so much hate create a feeling so beautiful? It was feelings like this that made me think that the beautiful world is much more than a dream.

We boarded our machines.

They stuck the needle in my neck and administered the drug before I climbed in the metal maw of my mobile suit. It stood watching me as I approached. I noticed that the engineering team had really patched it up nice. A mobile suit which was a heap of torn metal and wire now looked like it had just been taken out of the box and assembled. My brother really patched it up nice. I flicked on the switch and felt the machine come to life; power surged through the suit as it began to stir. Great metal limbs creaked and groaned as they jittered to life. The engines began to whirl. My guns were loaded and my body was filled with a drug.

[Are you ready for this fight?] I found myself asking the machine in my head. I almost felt, for a minute, as if this mobile suit could hear my thoughts. Of course I didn't receive an answer, I didn't need one. I knew this weapon was an extension of my own body; it was a god power which I used to fight. I could understand this mobile suit because of its understanding for me.

All four of us were launched out separately; one by one we drifted into the void. We approached the worn colony in which the rebels were holding up shop, and they proceeded out to meet us. I saw those four familiar warships which I had seen since the battles in Orb; the Archangel, Kusanagi and Eternal. What were they fighting for, what did they want to achieve? I felt a sudden pang of guilt when I realized that these people were more than likely working towards the goal of bringing about a beautiful world and I was trying to stop them. I was trying to destroy these people because they ushered change, they wanted to tear down the entirety of this war machine and build things from the ground up. I pressed my lips tightly together, my hands squeezing down on the controls; this battle is going to be different now.

Those two machines came out to meet us; even the white one was present. I was surprised considering how badly I tore him up in the last battle. But they had a battle to fight. If they wanted to defend the causes they were fighting for then they would have to defeat me, just like I would have to defeat them if I wanted to continue living. I started to wonder what made them so persistent. I wondered why they fought against me as if their lives depended on it. What had they experienced which had caused them to pursue these goals in the first place? Who are these people?

I came at them with hostility; I singled out the white one and attacked him. He saw me coming and he was ready for me, he pulled out his beam sword and swung it at my machine. I matched his strike, blocking it with the sharp forearms of my mobile suit. I found out during the last battle that he couldn't cut through the steel on my arms. We slashed at each other, tore at each other, as our blades met in a quick, sharp melee attack. Orga joined in to come and help me; the heavy weaponry and fire power of his machine was a good advantage. We flew around him, Orga taking the big shots while I circled around and came in for the quick nicks and cuts that would eventually wear him down. Shani and Clotho were having equal success on their end; they were messing up the red one mighty fierce. The four of us... we had come a long way.

The battle was turning out pretty well until I noticed three ominous shapes appear out from behind the Mendel colony. I quickly recognized these ships to be Z.A.F.T Nazca class destroyers. What were they doing here now, and why were they moving into the battle zone? I started to become nervous at the thought of fighting these Z.A.F.T warships, and the constant stream of mobile suits launching out of the ships made me even more anxious. Suddenly a voice cut through the communication channels, someone was speaking from one of the Z.A.F.T mobile suits.

"Attention Earth Alliance vessel, before we commence battle I would like to return a captive to you," A smooth-voiced man said. Captive? This was the first I had heard of any captive. Someone had been taken from the ship? When? Who? What the hell was going on here? A small, blue life pod was suddenly dispatched from one of the ships; it drifted out aimlessly in space for a while as no one made a move towards it. I guess the captain is just as clueless as I am about all this...

The Nazca class ships made a turn and began to focus all their fighting power on the Eternal and Kusanagi. I was pretty overjoyed when I realized that they weren't going to be attacking us. I could fight the Archangel and these two mobile suits without any interference from the outside.

I began to grow tired; my body was weary and sore. I knew this was a battle that could not be drawn out. But I believed with the four of our strengths combined we could capture these machines. I know that we could do it; it's what I truly believed at that moment. But if we did capture them than what would happen? We wouldn't be punished, that was for certain, but what would happen to the pilot, the machine? What would happen? What was going on in Azrael's mind, what were his objectives once the mission was completed? Kill everyone? Turn all those who opposed him into a pile of ash? And we were his outlet for this. In a way we were like his hands, his weapons, machines set out to do the killing. Anger rose up from inside of me as I swung my axe violently at the white machine, breaking my chain of small melee attacks; leaving Orga disgruntled for just a second as I changed pace.

[I hate that bastard] I thought as I lashed out at the white machine. [I hate him. I hate him. I hate him!] At what time in my life did I become nothing but a tool for that man! He wanted to destroy people's lives, take away their humanity and turn them into weapons so only he could benefit by the sea of blood that would follow? Why was it that I fought for this man? I began to get angry; my emotions began to weave out of control. I was putting too much thought into this, I was getting too worked up. I thought I had come to terms with becoming a weapon which serves the greater interest by killing. That's what I am now; I know that so why am I so angry? I knew why, the answer was so simple. My humanity was being restored by the kindness of people like Aubrae and Luca, it was help kept intact by people like Shani, Clotho and Orga. I was becoming more of a human and less like a machine every second, and because of that I wanted to be free.

"I can never be free" I growled angrily, taking another swing at the white machine, who was doing all he could to hold up against my attack. "You can never understand that..."

My attack slowly stopped, if I told these people about me what would they think? The pilot inside of this white machine was a human just like me, we both wanted to see the world be reborn. Why was I fighting against him?

When he saw me ease to a stop he slowly pulled down his defense, he didn't lash out and attack me after I had ceased. I guess he wondered why I had stopped. After a moment, it looked as if he was going to push me out of the way to help his friend in the red mobile suit, who was still being beat on by Shani and Clotho, when a scream rang though the air.

"ARCHANGEL!"

All movements seemed to stop as a shrill female voiced echoed out through the communication channels. I quickly realized that it was coming from that discarded life pod. I had nearly forgotten about that thing.

"Archangel! I... I'm here! It's me! Flay! Flay Allster!" She cried out, her voice wild and shaken. The name didn't ring a bell and I figured I should just ignore what she was saying. I noticed that the white suit had stopped moving altogether. Something about this girl's voice shouting out seemed to paralyze him. Now was a good time to attack and Orga decided to take full advantage of that, blasting his weapons on him, nailing him hard on the back and sending him flying.

"Please stop it!" She shrieked as the fight slowly started to resume. The white one was belting forward in a straight line, seeming to go nowhere. I thought right. Something about this girl had a definite effect on him. What was it? I wondered.

"I... I have a key! The key that's supposed to end this war... so help me! Somebody please help me!" I was puzzled by those words, what did she mean by 'key to end the war?' what could that be? It sounded fishy to me, could such a thing even exist?

"Ensign Sabnak! Retrieve that life pod at once!" I heard the captain say to Orga, guess Azrael, or someone sitting on the bridge really wanted that girl brought in. I was curious too, of course. Orga complied immediately, and headed towards the pod. The white one seemed to catch on quick and was already roaring after Orga once he had scooped up the pod.

I wouldn't let him get that far, and Clotho and Shani seemed to have the same idea.

Shani shot a beam of energy from the crab shell on the Forbidden's back, taking a huge chunk out of the White One's head. Clotho came in to finish the job, hurling his machine's wrecking ball at the white one, taking the head clean off. That would mess him up real good. The head of a mobile suit is where the main camera is located, this attack would throw him off balance and cripple him. I took my chance to move in. I was going to capture him.

I reached out with the sharp claws of my machine, sinking them in deep into his metal body, keeping him held secure.

"You're going to come with me," I murmured as the predator urge began to burn in my chest. I thought we had finally done it; we had finally achieved our goal of capturing these machines. Shani and Clotho closed in around him, blocking all paths of escape; he was ours now, our prey. But then, a flash of white and red shot at me, more than one, a group of mobile suits was heading at me. I didn't notice it until my machine was shot. Not a heavy impact, no, but it confused me and caught me heavily off guard.

A small group of Astray mobile suits were rushing at me, firing wildly. "This is for Mayura!" I could hear them shout. I understood it then. I had killed their friend in the last battle and they wanted to see me dead. This distraction gave the white machine the chance he needed to attack, and he ended me quickly.

He pulled out a sword from behind and split it down the middle of my machine, first piercing through the head, the gash growing more shallow as it passed down, not shallow enough though by the time it passed by my cock pit. I saw the blade pass right before me as twisted wire and shrapnel rained down. The enclose was bathed in a hue of red as I screamed wordlessly. He wasn't done there, no. He swung the sword again, cutting my machine at the torso, severing the legs. He then took his chance to kick me back as a wall of metal closed in on me. Deep pieces of steel cut into my skin, a wall of metal pressed down against my body, crushing me and causing blood to pour from my mouth unwillingly.

I could still hear the alert sirens blaring as he left me there, drowning in a sea of twisted metal. A steady darkness consumed me and I was pulled under, farther down than I had ever been before. Goodnight.

...

... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Germaine!" I could hear someone calling out my name; it was what pulled me out from the darkness. Someone was calling out to me. I could hardly hear. I couldn't see, only faint lines and impressions of things that I couldn't define. I could hear a ragged breathing, air being heaved in and out of someone's lungs with great effort, breathing inside of a helmet. I realized that it was my breath which seemed like an agony to take.

"Germaine!" The call came again, frantic and scared. I felt the sensation of being pulled, being dragged out of somewhere, but where? Someone tore my bleeding body out of the cavern of crushed metal where I had been laying, and they rested my body in their lap. They slowly lifted off my helmet and I heard it drop and roll onto the ground. I found myself looking up at Shani's face. He had just pulled me out of the tattered wreckage that was once the cock pit of my mobile suit. I had never seen him look so scared before, he looked so frightened and sad and he was looking right at me. Was something wrong with me? I couldn't understand. My thoughts felt so muddled and blurred, so distant and faint. Something was wrong with me and that's why Shani was scared, that much I could be sure of. But what?

I slowly looked down at my body, and soon came to regret it. My body was heavily torn and bloody, thick gashes were imprinted along my stomach and chest each one poring fountains of blood. One of my hands lay ripped and cracked against his body, some fingers were missing. At least I still had one hand, upon closer inspection I saw the other one had been taken clean off, cut in the middle of the forearm. My legs lay limp like strands of spaghetti against the ground, so bloody and broken. My left leg was bending off at a horribly unnatural angle, the bone snapped to bits.

_"I don't want you to die"_

I understood it all now, I was going to die and that's why Shani looked so scared. I looked up at him and smiled.

"Germaine!" Someone else shouted out to me. It took me a minute before I recognized Orga's voice. He ran over to me but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the sight before him. My bloody and dying body was lying limp in Shani's embrace. He was paralyzed in shock. I wanted to see him too but my head felt like a million pounds of lead. All I could do was stare into Shani's eyes which seemed so filled with shock and fear.

I wanted to tell him everything at that point, although I knew I would never have enough time. I could already feel my life gently slipping away. The pain was numb and all objects around me became blurred, but Shani's face remained as clear as it had always been. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but my throat was filled with blood. I wanted to tell him to keep on living, even if I'm dead, so that maybe... he can experience a beautiful world, because I know it will appear if you wait for it. His eyes became wet with tears.

"Germaine! Shani?" Clotho ran up, finally joining us, "What the hell's going o-" He froze like Orga when he saw us but recovered himself quickly. That of which Orga was unable to do, he was still frozen in place, his eyes locked on my bloody figure.

Clotho came up beside me and shouted at me to stay alive, to stay awake but I knew that was impossible. I smiled at him as tears began to stream down my face, breaking the coating of blood on my cheeks.

I looked up at him, at Shani, I needed to speak. I needed to tell him how I feel.

"Sh... Sha... ni..." My voice came out in a bloody gurgle, as if I was choking, and it felt like it. "Thank... y... you" I smiled at him as my eyes grew dull, my body became limp and my head fell back. Lifeless.

Nothing but a void of silence followed, the empty shell of my body still laying in Shani's lap, the three boys staring at my carcass in shock. No one could believe this was real.

A storm of doctors suddenly burst in the room heading over to the three boys and the dead girl. They too froze with shock as they saw the sight, but almost immediately regained their mindset. The doctors came over to Shani, ripping my bloodied body right out of his grip. He was too shocked to do anything because he already realized I was dead. The doctors loaded me onto a stretcher and pulled a white blanket over my head, which quickly became red, and wheeled me away leaving the three boys alone with three bottles of Gamma Glipheptin and a floor coated in Germaine's blood.

Shani stared down at his lap, where I had been laying, which was covered in fresh blood along with the hands he used to hold me, the last touch I felt before I died…

He pounded his fists against the ground and screamed.

**Part Two End**


End file.
